The apocalypse: dead week 2016

kristine-wongstaff
Kristine Wong/Staff

Early Tuesday morning, there were several reports of grey-ish students with black, dead eyes wandering slowly and aimlessly around campus. The only thing to be heard amidst the eerie silence was the wind scattering the leaves in every direction. For the few brave souls who dared to cross Sproul, they walked fast with tense faces, nervously whipping their heads back and forth as if looking for something. They all clutched their iPhones in their hands, their fingers slowly turning red.

Within an hour, crows started to surround the sickly, pale students. The pace of people walking through campus turned from a fast walk to a sprint. All of the shelves in GBC were cleared, the last few students desperately shoving Honey Nut Cheerios into their backpacks as they sprinted towards their residence halls.

Around noon, reports of attacks began rolling in. It appeared that these humans were reincarnated because they didn’t even make it to dead week alive. Their goal: to pull more students to the dark side by the beginning of dead week.

Within Main Stacks, the first signs of an apocalypse were occurring. Students stood hovering around one person at a desk, just waiting to swoop upon that person’s departure. Crowds around other desks weren’t so calm — people began shoving each other and some even dared to threaten to steal other students’ Birkenstocks. The mob was so busy fighting over desks that they didn’t even notice the zombies slowly pouring into the reading room looking for over-stressed victims. Once they found a victim, the zombies would take the soul out of that student, temporarily killing them until they awoke again as a zombie.

At the dining halls, absolute chaos was underway. People everywhere were stealing each other’s Cal 1 Cards, desperate for more meal points. The entire frozen yogurt machine was ripped from the wall and carried out by one absolute savage. The dining hall workers quickly escaped through the back doors as students attacked them, claiming the meager portions were not enough if they were to survive dead week.

The next victim of the apocalypse were the printers. People began stealing printers out of each other’s room as the ones in the libraries became so clogged that they exploded. Chancellor Nicholas Dirks took this time to say he would steal our public funds if it meant people continued stealing printers. Helicopters surrounded campus as headlines everywhere read “Campus craziness: UC Berkeley students lose their minds over printers and cheap dining hall yogurt.”

Eventually, nearly every student on campus had been turned into a zombie. Once they no longer had anyone to convert, the zombies gathered on Sproul and burned every textbook and notebook they had ever owned. They celebrated dead week in a truly deadly fashion: Monday afternoon saw the burning of the textbooks, they held an afterlife feast on Tuesday, graveyard dayger on Wednesday, funeral services on Thursday and a killer party on Friday.

Happy dead week! From all of us here at the Clog to you, we sincerely hope you don’t die.

Contact Emilia Malachowski at [email protected].