Quiz: Where on campus should you have sex?

campanile_mdrummond
Michael Drummond/File

To some, Valentine’s Day might mean red lipstick stains and passionate smooches on a bearskin rug heated to maximum sexiness by a roaring fire of love. But maybe, like us, you’re just tryna get some. And what better place to fuck than where you get fucked daily? Our saucy campus is filled with countless nooks and crannies, shadowy hideaways and grimy bathrooms for you to do the nasty, ya nasty. But which cheeky hidey-hole should you choose?

  1. Where do you usually have sex?
    1. On campus
    2. Have you seen the roof?
    3. Unit 3 top bunk
  2. What would you bring with you on this clandestine mission for lovemaking besides a condom?
    1. A sex towel for ease of cleanup
    2. Lube, just in case
    3. My résumé that I spent six hours on (who’s even going to look at it for more than 10 seconds?)
  3. How turned on does the global No. 1 public university’s campus make you?
    1. 69 percent
    2. I always get sweaty when the carillon chimes.
    3. Dwinelle is like a sexy maze.
  4. How hot and bothered does this image make you?
    dirks-new

    1. Hope you can find my secret tunnel.
    2. I’ll let you see my unibrow };)
    3. I’d rather have public funds tbh.
  5. What’s your favorite porn?
    1. I watch that video where Oski humps the tree. Gets the juices flowing.
    2. Daddy Denero’s course captures
    3. The UC Berkeley admissions video
  6. Which food would you rather lick out of Oski’s fur?
    1. Nutella
    2. A Freshëns Peach on the Beach smoothie
    3. Bud Light
    1. You should fuck in the first floor LeConte Hall toilets! If you’re looking for absolute privacy, you’ll be sure to find it here, because no one in their right mind would take their afternoon shit in this grimy dumpster. Cleanup might be difficult, though, since these stalls are serially out of toilet paper. Try not to slip on the unwaveringly slimy floors!
    2. You should fuck in the invisible monument to free speech on Sproul! This 6-inch wide circle of dirt is subject to the laws of no man, which means it’s the perfect place to get naked and get nasty. Fulfill all your exhibitionist fantasies on the only patch of land in the United States where you can have sex in public without knocking on every future neighbor’s door.
    3. You should fuck over the tree-trunk-turned-cigarette-butt-and-beer-can-receptacle on Observatory Hill! This secluded spot will have you bending over to pick up litter and bending over to take some dick. If you’re feeling the vibe, bring a couple beers with you on this erotic expedition and add to the decor.

Sasha Ashall is the blog editor. Contact Sasha Ashall at [email protected].