Quiz: What candy heart message are you?

coloredited_lucytang_candyhearts
Lucy Tang/File

It’s Valentine’s Day, Bears. While we at the Clog will be out performing Real Investigative Journalism™ (trying to find every candy heart slogan in the box) instead of going out with our significant others, that doesn’t mean you can’t get into the romantic spirit. Thanks to our tireless work, we’ve found our favorite candy heart slogans. Read on to figure out which one you really are.

  1. What’s your relationship status?
    1. Single and loving it! I’m all about Palentine’s Day/Galentine’s Day this year.
    2. I’ve got a bae this year.
    3. I’m in a committed relationship with VLSB — we spend all our time together.
    4. Well, I made out with Chad at KA last weekend, but also with John at ATO, but I only went on one date with John. …
  2. What’s your favorite Valentine’s Day treat?
    1. Chocolate samplers. They’re like sugary Russian Roulette.
    2. Roses. I’m a sucker for a meaningless gesture.
    3. Fun Dip. It’s like legal crack.
    4. Intercourse.
  3. What’s your favorite rom-com?
    1. “Love Actually”
    2. “Fifty Shades of Grey” (at least I think it’s a comedy)
    3. “You’ve Got Mail”
    4. “Heathers”
  4. Pick the most romantic place for a date.
    1. The fourth-floor bathroom in Doe Library
    2. The haunted building in Clark Kerr
    3. The Amazon @ MLK Student Union Building
    4. Soda Hall
  5. Pick a flavor.
    1. Strawberry
    2. Green apple
    3. Grape
    4. Vanilla
    1. HUG ME. You’re just looking for a little affection this Valentine’s Day. Don’t stress, though: You can always buy one of those anime body pillows to cuddle with tonight.
    2. NOTHING COMPARES 2 U. You think Sinéad O’Connor is cool, but what you don’t know is that Prince did it first (and did it better). You’re indie, and you tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is lame, but you secretly just want a cute teddy bear and chocolate.
    3. BE COOL. You heard the candy. Be cool, man. Just, like, be cool.
    4. MAYBE NEXT YEAR. Sorry, EECS.

Contact Jamie Campbell at [email protected].