There’s nothing worse than needing to suffer through Feb. 14 every year, with social media, stores and your friends constantly reminding you that you are yet again hopelessly single.
Well, actually there is — a text from your parents reminding you that you’re hopelessly single.
The “best friend mom”
This is the parent that (genuinely) believes that their child is their best friend. They go out of their way to text you updates about themselves throughout the day, such as when they’re eating lunch or going to the gym.
“How about staying in tonight, hon? We’ll order pizza and binge-watch Netflix!! Valentine’s Day is so overrated anyway! :)”
Their message will try to be comforting but still “cool.” And if you’re especially lucky, you’ll likely get plenty of “here’s what I’m doing now” photos accompanying these messages. But hey, at least someone cares about you enough to relay every single detail of their life to you.
The “overprotective dad”
This primarily, but not exclusively, occurs between fathers and daughters. It’s the parent’s way of showing their love and support toward their child, but their inability to convey this with a simple “I love you” turns into:
“Well at least there isn’t anyone I need to beat up this year! I guess I can put my baseball bat away then, hahaha.”
Ending a “hahaha” with a period may be slightly awkward, but you have to commend the effort. Gushy texts aren’t everyone’s forte. But then again, neither is your ability to find a Valentine.
The smothering parent
This is the parent that refuses to believe that their now 21-year-old child is no longer the toddler they dropped off at preschool every morning. This usually results in texts professing their limitless love and exclaiming their pride for how far their baby has come.
“I am just so proud of the young adult you’ve grown into. Don’t worry honey, you’ll find the right person for you. Just give it some time. I love you, always! Mommy xxx”
These texts always include key words such as “adult,” “grown-up” and “proud,” and they are prone to excessive love heart emojis and kisses in the form of “x”s. They also definitely wouldn’t be complete without an “I love you” at the end. Probably the only one you’re getting this V-Day.
The “independent woman mom”
This is the parent that has always pushed you in school. They were ecstatic when, at age five, you told them you wanted to be a lawyer. You can thank them for their countless hours of attending parent-teacher conferences, helping you with homework and pouring money into your tuition so you can graduate debt-free and buy your first apartment at 24.
“Trust me when I say that boys are a complete waste of time. You’re doing so well in your career, and you know what, you did it all without a man by your side. By the way, there’s a conference tomorrow for female CEOs. I know it’s Valentine’s Day, but I signed you up for it since you won’t have plans anyway. See you there!”
Glass ceilings don’t break themselves, but at least let the “cute guy in accounting” buy you dinner with the extra dollars he makes working the same job.
The “super hip dad”
This is the parent that tries to “get with the times” and learn the lingo that the “kids are saying these days.” They have a Facebook account where they awkwardly share memes that don’t really make sense and poke you like it’s still 2010.
“Ur young, there’s no need 2 b upset bout not havin a d8. There’s always next yr. How bout we go have a few drinks? U cud probs learn a thing or 2 from ur old man, eh?! Ha Ha ;)”
This parent will abbreviate anything and everything they can get their hands on, and they’ll definitely use words such as “awesome” “cool” and “bro” because they obviously still have game. After a a text like this, maybe a few drinks don’t sound so bad.
The savage AF parent
This is the parent that actually understands the millennial generation, which unfortunately means that you are the receiver of memes, gifs and anything post-2000. They frequently prank you and are not afraid to show how much they love you by constantly telling you that “you’re adopted.”
“Another year single, what a shocker. You better get someone soon, or all the good ones will be gone.”
Ouch. That’s all we have to say about that.
Texts from parents are simply pure gold. Maybe it’s worth being single this Valentine’s Day just so you can receive one of these beauties.
Contact Jenisha Sabaratnam at [email protected].