Unless seismologists are just pulling a big scam to make us think their jobs are important, experts say California is overdue for a sizable earthquake. Where we’ll be during that earthquake is ultimately left to chance. If you’re lucky, there’ll be a sturdy desk or table to curl under. But it’s unavoidable that some of us will find ourselves in extremely unfortunate situations. In Berkeley, if you’re in any of these places during the inevitable, fate has really fucked you over.
Recreational Sports Facility treadmill
If you’re looking for a sign from the universe to stop working out, maybe you’ll welcome an earthquake on a treadmill. But whether you want to be there or not, you’re bound to eat shit. And the internet continues to show us that when people fall on treadmills, they fall in spectacular fashion. On the other hand, one of the best places to be is in the RSF but not on a treadmill, because you’ll get to see all the runners fall simultaneously.
What’s the protocol for being in an underwater tube during an earthquake? Humanity has never had to answer this question before, so you still have to simply sit through it and hope the tube doesn’t crack and fill your lungs with rushing water. There’s something to think about on your next BART ride to San Francisco.
UC Berkeley Seismology Lab
Most people fear for their lives during a ‘quake, but seismologists probably get inappropriately excited. It’s what they live for. While you’re trying to dive for cover, they’ll be trying to tell you earthquake facts. But that’s not before they all let out a collective “I-told-you-so.”
Great China, King Dong or any other Chinese restaurant
The last time an earthquake happened in a Chinese restaurant and a camera was around to capture it, “Freaky Friday” happened. Everything worked out in the movie, but UC Berkeley students typically don’t have the time to go through an entire journey of self-discovery to undo a body swap. And unless you swapped bodies with Serena Williams, that’s a bad thing.
There’s not much you can do about where you find yourself during an earthquake. Our earthquake detection systems only offer a few seconds of warning. All we can tell you is if you’re with Serena Williams, you better find a Chinese restaurant fast.
Contact Ryan Melvin at [email protected].