If UC Berkeley celebrities ran in ASUC elections

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Xinyu Li/Staff

When Caesar was warned to beware the ides of March, he knew nothing of the hell that is ASUC election season, but the shoe certainly fits. We at the Clog need to emotionally prepare ourselves for this trying time, and what better way to do so than by poking some fun at the whole endeavor? We’ve decided to foreshadow the potential campaigns of five UC Berkeley legends. Who would you vote for, Bears?

Chancellor Dirks

The presidency would be a natural next step for Dirks after he officially leaves his position as chancellor. Watch out, though – Dirks would absolutely engage in some unscrupulous tactics to secure his seat (public-funds-financed bribery, anyone?). Everyone would be willing to change their profile pictures in support of him, though — who wouldn’t want to be mistaken for such a well-eyebrowed fellow? Percentage of vote earned (legitimately): 37 percent. Percentage reported: 68 percent.

Oski

Oski would undoubtedly run as an independent. Even though he would lack endorsements from the major parties and clubs on campus (except for Rally Committee), Oski should have no trouble securing his position as internal vice president. Even though Dirks would hold the presidency, we all know that Oski would really be the one running the show. Percentage of the vote earned: 93 percent.

Chris Tril

Chris Tril (who, incidentally, works at our dearly beloved The Daily Californian) would have the most well-marketed campaign. With an audience of almost 70,000 people, he could easily share the details of his platform on UC Berkeley Memes For Edgy Teens. His candidacy would be marred by controversy, but we at the Clog bet he would still be successful. Percentage of the vote earned: 69 percent (heh).

The Olympic (gold) medalists

Running (hehe, get it?) on a platform designed to get more funding for better facilities for sports beyond football, the Cal Olympians would start their own party and nominate several candidates for senator positions. Swimmers Missy Franklin and Ryan Murphy should secure a seat each, and they would have no trouble getting fans to vote for them. The professional dress code would have to be amended to include workout leggings and running shoes, though. Percentage of the vote earned: 76 percent.

Robert Reich

As the former secretary of labor, Robert Reich already has plenty of experience in the government. However, his fame could be problematic — he can be a controversial figure, and he would assuredly lose the conservative vote. Anyone who managed to get into his famous Wealth and Poverty course (and anyone still desperately clinging on to the waitlist) will keep him afloat. Percentage of the vote earned: 55 percent.

Contact Jamie Campbell at [email protected].