What to say when someone running for senate tries to talk to you

The ASUC set up a table on Sproul to encourage students to register to vote. This process can now be done online and is expected to increase voter registration in students.
Carli Baker/File
The ASUC set up a table on Sproul to encourage students to register to vote. This process can now be done online and is expected to increase voter registration in students.

It’s election season at UC Berkeley, which we all know is the worst — worse than midterms. Why? Get ready for an onslaught of Facebook profile pictures showing support for this or that candidate (organizations referenced in Facebook captions are for identification purposes only). Get ready to be extremely confused by the sheer number and type of positions that candidates are running for. Get ready for ASUC candidates on Sproul Plaza literally dragging you over to their tables to talk to you about their campaigns.

We understand that this is a difficult, stressful, strange time for all of us, so we want to remove you from this narrative (throwback to Kanye, Kim and Taylor’s feud that trended for a solid few days on Twitter!). We’ve come up with 20 things you can say when someone running for senate tries to talk to you. It’s always easier to run than face your problems head on.

  1. I have to pee.
  2. I have class right now.
  3. I really normally care so SO SO much about ASUC and these elections, but right now I really don’t care at all!
  4. I just remembered right now that I was hungry exactly 12 minutes ago and still am. My hunger can’t wait.
  5. Here, tell my friend!
  6. Here, tell my imaginary friend!
  7. Sorry, my fish is dying.
  8. Sorry, my cactus is dying.
  9. Sorry, my 12th cousin’s hamster is dying.
  10. Oh my god! Ahh, my leg! My leg just broke!
  11. Do you not see these headphones in my ears? I don’t want to talk to you!
  12. Wow, check out that giant, flying … uhh … squirrel? (Point and run, people, point and run.)
  13. I don’t go here. I’m also 30 years old and have a stable job — I’ve just been told my whole life I have a youthful, radiant glow.
  14. You already talked to me before! I remember … you wanted better … classrooms? With better … lights?
  15. OMG! What’s happening? Where am I? What’s going on? I’ve lost touch with my own reality!
  16. I don’t care about the ASUC or these elections. I. Really. Don’t. Care. At. All.

Good luck to you, friends. It’s a doggie dog world out there. Senate candidates are sharks that eat doggie dogs (Catch the reference?). Honestly, our only parting words are: Good luck. You’re going to need it.

Contact Esmé Brachmann at [email protected].