Quiz: What spring break swimsuit are you?

Bahamas beach
Emilia Malachowski/File

What time is it? Spring break time! That’s right, High School Musical 2 enthusiasts, summer’s ultimate tease is finally upon us, and we all know what that means: suns out, buns out! With the change in temperature comes a change in apparel, opening the gates to a whole new world of fashion choices. Why yes, lads and ladies, this indeed includes swimsuit season. We know baring it all can often seem stressful and nerve-wracking. But not to worry, dear reader, your comrades at the Clog have assembled a rad quiz that will lead you to the perfect hydrophilic ensemble that will bring all the boys (and girls) to the yard.

  1. What is your go-to campus look?
    1. Morph suit and crocs.
    2. Always rockin’ the Cal gear. I’m basically Oski minus the spooky eyes and conservative cardigan.
    3. Eternally sporty — I’m ready to ball out at a squash game at a moment’s notice.
    4. A human Birkenstock — I shall never be seen without my signature jeans, artsy band tee and trusty Birks.
  2. Do you have any BIG plans for spring break?
    1. If you count my grammy, Uncle Alfred and betta fish Douglas, I’ll be turnt all day, erryday.
    2. Nah, nothing to intense. Just a European cruise and voyage to the Taj Mahal.
    3. Cabo. Cabo! Cabo?
    4. Hell yeah, me and the fam are getting litty titty and taking a funky nature trip!
  3. Might you perchance have been spotted pumping mad iron at the RSF once in a blue moon?
    1. Is this even a question? I’ve got mad gains, and I protein shake it up three times a day. Also, my benching grunt is as recognizable as Obama’s ” ‘murica.”
    2. What does RSF stand for?
    3. I try to go as much as I can. If I’m feeling rogue, I’ll attend the hip-hop cardio dance class and let it all go. #getchayafreakon
    4. Nah, I prefer getting swole in the outdoors.
  4. What’s your stance on poppin’ some cleavage and/or chest hair?
    1. Absolutely not. I exclusively wear turtle necks to show the layman my commitment to decency.
    2. Is that even a question? The ladies are always saying hello to the crowd in my world.
    3. Oh, of course. I was chest-hairless in the seventh grade and will never forget the shame. Let them all know that puberty came and Wolverine is basically feces compared to my current chest hair game.
    4. Time and place. To lecture, nah. To discussion with a couple 7s or above present, you’d best believe it.
  5. What’s your point of view on the gluteus maximus?
    1. The muscle? It inserts at the gluteal tuberosity of the fetus and the iliotibial tract. Pivotal piece of anatomy.
    2. Is this supposed to be serious?
    3. I like big butts, and I cannot lie.
    4. Love me some cheeks. If I’m squatting, I’m showing that glorious puppy off.
  6. Would you say that you’re confident in baring it all?
    1. Absolutely, free the f*cking nipple!
    2. Clothing is such a social construct.
    3. I’m all about body positivity, but I wish I could minimize some of my wobbly bits.
    4. I wear a burlap sack at all times.
  7. Alas, the heavy hitter, what swimsuit do you see Dirks sporting?#riptotheGOAT
    1. Our beloved former chancellor would rock none other than a Cal speed suit to Baker Beach.
    2. This lad defiantly is a trunks and rash guard kind of man.
    3. Dirks is probably a nudist, maybe even the Zodiac Killer.
    4. Undoubtedly a weed-patterned speedo, with “Go Bears!” printed on the back, glorifying his rear end.
    1. A full-body wetsuit in blue and gold is definitely the move for you. Not only will you look official, your efficacy will be unparalleled. Bonus points for the mad school spirit. Godspeed!
    2. The nude. You’re a nonconformist, dear little rogue lad. You recognize social construction instantly and have no problem letting the world see you for all that you are.
    3. A narwhal-patterned speedo. You’ve clearly got mad gains but are still a cultured individual that comprehends the environmental injustices of “accidentally” spilling your margarita into the waters of the Gulf of Mexico. (BP oil spill or Cabo gone wrong?)
    4. The iconic Venice Beach bikini T-shirt dress. You basically sit on the Iron Throne. Not only are you hilarious, you also got that Dirks-throwin’-down-700-grand-on-a-fence confidence. You keep doin’ you, boo!

Nichole Bloom is the assistant blog editor. Contact Nichole Bloom at [email protected].