The phases of starting an essay on the day that it’s due

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Nicole White/File

Essays can be/are the bane of every student’s existence. It’s no wonder that literally every one of us Cloggers has procrastinated starting an essay until its actual due date. This unwise procrastination leads us to cram the essay into one day. The only constant in this lifestyle is that each time you pull this shit on yourself, you can always count on having distinct phases that correspond with each hour of the day. We at the Clog have outlined these phases, so you edgy teens don’t feel so alone in this world.

10 a.m.

You wake up and realize that you have to start that 10-page essay about that thing that you didn’t read. The overwhelming feeling of dread consumes you, and you’re forced to quickly distract yourself by checking literally all of your social media and refreshing your email seven times.

11 a.m.

You skip your 11 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. lecture and begin to start writing. If it’s a research paper, you head straight to Wikipedia. If it’s more of an expository essay, you begin to start writing your bullshitted, barely coherent thoughts.

12:30 p.m.

You’ve just finished the first page and a half and your next classes take attendance. So, from 2 p.m. to 3 p.m. and 3 p.m. to 4:30 p.m., you’re forced to halt your progress. You naively believe that you can bust out about three more pages by 2 p.m. You’re wrong.

2 p.m.

It’s time for class and you’ve only got about two and a half pages done. You’re screwed and you know it. It’s going to be tough to make that 11:59 p.m. deadline.

4:30 p.m.

You sprint to Moffitt and miraculously find a seat. You get down to business and plan to finish the essay by 10 p.m. How hard could it be?

7 p.m.

You discover that the answer to the previous question is: very hard. You’ve done well, though, and now have five pages of writing done. You are, however, keenly aware that only about five hours remain until the dreaded deadline.

8 p.m.

You grab some dinner at the Free Speech Movement Cafe, and take half an hour to finish it because you’re scrolling through the meme page the whole time.

10 p.m.

You’re done with page seven and the final several pages await you. About two hours are left. You take a Red Bull from your backpack and chug it. You’re going to finish this paper before the deadline if it’s the last thing you do.

11:30 p.m.

You’re somehow on page ten, but you still have to rock the conclusion to make this an acceptable essay. You’re experiencing writer’s block, and for the first time today, you question your cramming abilities.

11:59 p.m.

You bullshit the remaining page so fast, you’re almost impressed with yourself. You go to bCourses and pray your computer doesn’t freeze, and that the clock doesn’t strike 12 before it’s too late.

12:00 a.m.

You made it! Just in the nick of time. You leave Moffitt vowing never to do that again, but knowing full well that you will.

Writing an essay on the day it’s due is stressful as hell and leaves us with a mediocre final product at best. Even so, the procrastination continues and you sure as hell can bet we’ll do the same thing with the next essay.

Contact Melany Dillon at [email protected].