Unhinged sex goon

It was cool at the time

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That was my result when I took the quiz “What Are You Like … Sexually?” on BuzzFeed. I wouldn’t say “unhinged sex goon” was exactly an accurate description of me (or maybe I’m just saying that?), but it did make for a great nickname in my group chat on Facebook Messenger for a semester.

But somehow, for every five BuzzFeed quiz results that are comically off, there will be one result that fits you a little too well. And because we’re all guilty of going on a binge of dozens of quizzes at a time, you eventually rack up a few results that ring true with you, even define you.

I clicked on “Which 2016 Meme Are You?” when I was about halfway through my first semester of college. Everything was fresh and exciting. I joined a few student organizations, made friends in my classes and tried all the recommended food spots (just kidding, I kept going to Chipotle over and over). I constantly surrounded myself with different people and maximized my time spent outside.

Naturally, when you keep yourself that busy, you can get to feeling overwhelmed. You’re surrounded by a flurry of activity at all times, and your world moves so fast it begins to blur as you try to take everything in. Like me, you’re the Confused Mr. Krabs meme. Harambe, Ted Cruz Zodiac Killer and Dat Boi don’t capture our lifestyle nearly as well as does a gluttonous crustacean getting in trouble for selling colorful patties.

When my friend sent me “We Know Who You’d Be In A Reality Show Based On What Kind of Roommate You Are,” I paused “The Bachelor” and gave it a whirl. Answering most of the questions was fairly straightforward. I’m the best at killing bugs. I answer the knock at the door when people show up for my raging party.

But then I got to the last question, and my glide through this quiz came to a crashing halt. “Pick an activity to do with your roommates.” Oh god. My options are movie night, potluck dinner, going dancing, comedy show and painting class. Which one captures me as a person?  I’m not very good at dancing or painting, so I rule those two out. A movie night seems too simple. I like potlucks, but would my roommates like potlucks? I don’t know, so it doesn’t make the cut. I select the comedy show; after all, I’m comedic, right? Everybody can get down for a comedy show.

Boom. My result pops up, and I can’t believe I didn’t see it coming. Of course my preference for Chinese food and strong dislike for moldy muffins mean that I’m the host of this BuzzFeed quiz reality show. I am Steve Harvey and Tom Bergeron and Chris Harrison all rolled into one. I’m a ringleader, a puppeteer and a control freak.

For the quiz “Which ‘Oops, We Forgot Matt Damon’ Movie Are You,”  the answer always had to be “The Martian.” It’s a movie about resourcefulness, optimism and friendship — all qualities that I deeply admire and aspire to represent in my actions.

The real question is, how does Oreo cookie ice cream relate to Matt Damon? It’s the sweetest of the four ice cream options, and “The Martian” is sure a hell of a lot more lighthearted than other forgetting-Damon flicks such as “Saving Private Ryan” or “Interstellar.” You have to have impressive dexterity in order to wield your spoon in just the right way to excavate those oreo cookie chunks, just like Matt Damon had to carefully dig up the Pathfinder from the sands of that lonely planet. Oreo cookie is a popular flavor in the ice cream cakes you bring to your friends’ birthday parties; that same kind of close kinship is what makes the crew of the Ares III so endearing in the first place.

Hold on. Three hours have gone by, and I realize that I’m still soul-searching on BuzzFeed. I have a paper due in two hours!

I don’t know why it’s so easy for us to find ourselves in these bizarre little quizzes. The connections between your favorite dog with sunglasses and your deepest insecurity have to be entirely arbitrary, and yet sometimes you simply can’t explain how accurate your results are. Maybe you’re predictable, or maybe the results are just general enough to apply to everybody.

But I like to think that BuzzFeed really does know me. It’s more fun to imagine how my frivolous preferences, impulsive choices and unsubstantiated instincts say something larger about me. Even the smallest choices can matter.

Then of course, a lot of them seem like they don’t. Though every time I get a result that seems way off target, I have to ask myself if BuzzFeed doesn’t know me better than I know myself. Though I never would’ve guessed it, I could quite possibly be an unhinged sex goon.

Shannon O’Hara writes the Thursday arts & entertainment column on growing up through entertainment. Contact her at [email protected].