What to say to prospective freshmen touring campus

Ethan Epstein/File

It’s around that time when high school seniors solidify their college decisions. All across campus, tour guides cheerily lead groups of prospective freshmen and their parents through Sather Gate to explore the beauty that is the UC Berkeley campus. As has happened to a few of us Cloggers this week, some potential freshmen often go rogue and ask hard-hitting questions about campus life. If this unfortunate incidence ever happens to you, we at the Clog have come up with a few options on how to react.

Option 1:

Pretend not to hear. Put your headphones in and avert your gaze. Under no circumstances should you make eye contact.

Option 2:

Spew some bullshit about how student life here is magical, and how Berkeley goggles aren’t a real thing (they are). To keep up the facade, it might be a good idea to tell them that you love it here, that the classes are hard but “rewarding,” and that you’ve never been scared to walk across campus when it’s dark out.

Option 3:

Embellish the truth. Say that you like it here – that you’ve grown to love everything that Berkeley has to offer – but that the material is challenging and sometimes you feel lost in the giant herd of undergraduates. Say that Berkeley has changed you for the better, and that your decision to come here is without regret.

Option 4:

Give them the cold, hard truth. Tell them that the depressing memes on the meme page are actually representative of the mental state of the student population. Tell them that high school is nothing compared to college, and that any pride they have in being intellectually superior will be demolished as soon as they set foot on this campus.

There you have it, a slew of options are available for you just in case any potential freshmen come in asking questions. As for us at the Clog, we think Option 1 is always a good choice. Feel free, however, to choose the best (and funniest) option that suits your needs.

Contact Melany Dillon at [email protected].