Anotha one. What a year it’s been, Bears. Between Milo and Ann Coulter it seems like our campus has had its fair share of media attention. Who knew this year’s statistics commencement was trying to slide into our DMs with some more drama. Well, all we at the Clog have to say is that it’s about damn time that we have a celebrity on this campus that reminded us that at UC Berkeley, all we do is win.
This past Wednesday, the man, the myth, the legend DJ Khaled himself graced our statistics graduating class of 2017 with a guest appearance at their commencement. After getting f*cked for free — more like at an ever-increasing tuition rate — for four years, it seems only fitting that these mathletes deserved to remember that “you smart” and at UC Berkeley, “we da best.”
The keynote speaker for the statistics commencement was Steve Stoute, an American businessman and author of book “The Tanning of America: How Hip-Hop Created a Culture That Rewrote the Rules of the New Economy.” Given Stoute’s ties to the music industry, Todd Vogel, one of the graduating students, whispered to his peers during the speech, “Beyonce’s totally coming on after this.”
Turns out Todd was just a little bit off, as just after the music dropped, the living meme himself appeared on stage, rapping his infamous banger “All I do Is Win.”
“It was honestly shocking and so unexpected. Most people looked frozen, but once he started rapping ‘All I do is Win’ I couldn’t help but stand up and wave my arms around,” Vogel said in a text message.
After his performance, Khaled gave a short speech, congratulating the graduates and their families and announcing that this performance was the closest he ever came to graduating himself. Vogel highlighted in a text that it was “hilarious, watching our professors looking around confused and talking amongst themselves trying to figure out who this guy was.” Clearly our statistics department needs to be reading the Clog more often so they can stay #hip and #trendy.
Overall, we at the Clog can’t help but ask ourselves where should DJ Khaled show up next? Needn’t fret comrades, once again we at the Clog are here to plan Lord Khaled’s next visit to Bezerkely.
What better way to reopen Dirk’s lair (we all know Wheeler was closed to build a squirrel army) than with a live performance of DJ Khaled and Justin Bieber’s new banger “I’m the One.” The thought of Khaled and the Biebs belting for us on the steps of this infamous hall is all too much. The idea of replacing the triggering memories of your Astro C10 midterm or poli sci lectures with a glorious performance of this groovy tune can be summed up in one word: major key.
The next best place for DJ Khaled to grace us with his spicy existence is obviously Main Stacks. If you’re in Main Stacks, it’s pretty clear you’re going through something deep or dark. Or maybe you’re just trying to do the nasty in the library given the forgiving lighting and silence. Whatever tickles your fancy in this dungeon, our pal Champagne Papi and DJ Khaled performing a subtle “For Free” can either provide you with some salvation and give you that much-needed edge or set the tone for a wild escapade down in the pits of University Library.
The Amazon Student Store
Ah the Amazon store. Quite the trigger for UC Berkeley students this year, but it’s a new year, new us, so we at the Clog think it’s time to change the scene down by MLK. Therefore, for DJ Khaled’s last stop in Berk, he should reenact his performance of “All I do Is Win” for the totality of the Berkeley proletariat outside the Amazon store. Harmonizing in a chorus of victory, ballin’ out and saying “peace out” to the haters can communicate to Milo (and Ann Coulter alike) that they just played themselves.
Peace. Love. Clog. Khaled.
Nichole Bloom is the blog editor. Contact Nichole Bloom at email@example.com.