Father’s Day is coming up and we’re all getting ready to celebrate the day with our paternal figures. While the person we look up to in this upcoming holiday may be older now, it’s funny to think that they, too, used to be young. At one point in time, the figure you call “Dad” lived as a 22-year-old, just trying to make it through life. While we can only catch glimpses of this alternate universe through faded pictures, we at the Clog have decided to use this opportunity to look into the future and see the possible dads coming out of this generation of UC Berkeley students.
Future fathers stemming from economics will have their kids covered. At this point in their lives, these dads will have invested wisely in stocks, built a bountiful 401K and created a life plan for his children. By following the steps he’s outlined, they’ll never go into debt and will always get a sick tax return. Instead of being taught that happiness will be found within love and marriage, they’ll learn that happiness stems from well-balanced spending habits.
Picture it: There’s a PTA meeting at a child’s private elementary school (you know, the ones where everything is organic and they sit on bean bags?). The issue of the day? Vaccinations. Yes, there are a few parents who refuse to vaccinate their children and the school’s now an arena for World War III.
Everywhere parents are yelling left and right, trying to defend their opinions with facts they read in a magazine. Suddenly, a man who resembles a young Bill Nye stands up from his chair and heads to the front of the room. He pulls out pamphlets (colored by his children), full of his research about vaccines. One parent shouts, “Where did you learn this? How do we know it’s not fake news?”
His reply: “I majored in molecular and cell biology at UC Berkeley.” What. A. Dreamboat.
Tadashi from “Big Hero 6” is basically what an EECS student would be. Kid’s hungry? He built something for that. His daughter can’t decide what to wear to school? Don’t worry, sweetie, I’ve devised a computer program that’ll scan your closet to design an optimal outfit to increase your popularity rates. Someone’s bullying his son? Bitch please, he just sent over a robot over to the kid’s house to imitate a demonic spirit while the terror child’s trying to sleep. All problems can be fixed with technology.
To bed, or not to bed? If a dad majored in English at UC Berkeley, get ready for some hard-core book puns. The combination of vast literature knowledge has served the father well, as he can pick the best literature for his children to learn from. From age five, his kids will be filled with the words of Shakespeare, Angelo and Orwell.
UC Berkeley also provided another tool that has shaped this father’s behavior. UC Berkeley Memes for Edgy Teens. While the younger 20-something version was on his computer trying to write a paper, the most infamous college meme page known to man was open on his laptop. Instead of support his thesis on Dostoyevsky, he’d be scrolling through the page, searching for UC Berkeley communist jokes. Hence, he is the father ridden with book puns and jokes. Basically, the kids have their own English version of UCBMFET. They must be so proud.
Whatever you majored in, make sure to wish your parental a happy Father’s Day!
Contact Kirsty Fowler at [email protected].