How to kiss your dog without being weird about it

Gillian Perry/Staff
Gillian Perry/File
Gillian Perry/Staff

Do you love your dog? Do you want to show them how much you care? But do you also not want to be labeled a weirdo when your friends come over or get arrested for zoophilia in the park? Say no more, for we at the Clog have constructed a list of socially acceptable ways to smooch your pooch without having your girlfriend think you’re basically licking your dog’s pooper (I’m looking at you, Ashley).

Boop the snoot

This is perhaps our favorite method of showing your dog he’s a hecking good pupperino. But be warned, this is risky. As the name suggests, you will plant a nice kiss on your doggerino’s snoot in booping fashion. This involved accuracy, as a hastily placed boop will have you kissing your dog on its lips. It also involves speed because if your dog sees this coming, they will probably try and lick you first, awkwardly leaving you kissing your dog’s tongue. In both of these cases, you probably won’t be able to look your dog in the eyes again for the rest of the day.

Kiss on the cheek

Simple enough, right? Optimal for big doggos that like sitting down next to you while you’re chilling on your front porch. While he’s off looking at squirrels or daydreaming about what he’d do if he finally got his paws on that damned mailman, go in quickly for a nice peck on the cheek. Like the “boop the snoot” method, this also comes with risks, the biggest of which is getting a mouthful of saliva that drips off those weird hanging thingies in your dog’s mouth. The second risk is totally spooking your dog and having your face bitten off. Please plan accordingly before practicing this method.

Psych, you thought!

This method involves kissing the air mere centimeters in front of your dog’s mouth before retreating as soon as your dog whips out its tongue. This is best done more than once, as your dog will start to understand what’s going on after the first or second time and will begin playing along. I wouldn’t suggest doing this more than five times in a row, however, as those licks will become the snapping jaws of an annoyed dog and the likelihood of bumping teeth with your dog increases tenfold. Then you’ll have to frantically apologize to your dog for hurting it on top of hoping that no one saw what just happened. Sorry again, Penny. (RIP.)

The troops

We’ve all seen those videos of Marines coming back from duty to be met by not only a parade of supporters, but their dog who has waited years to see them again. These videos are usually followed by several minutes of the dog licking their owner’s face, and the owner being too happy to care. I highly doubt the crowd surrounding them is wondering if his dog licked his butthole moments before licking his face, and it’s definitely the last thing on his owner’s mind. If you’re coming back from fighting overseas, you get a free pass. Just one, though.

Peace, love, Clog, pups!

Contact Chris Tril at [email protected].