If ‘Game of Thrones’ characters went to UC Berkeley

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Andrea Chau/File

To go to UC Berkeley, you have to be a character. To survive on “Game of Thrones,” you need to be an even bigger one. Let’s combine the two, shall we?

Jon Snow

The perennially overlooked bastard Stark son was recently accepted into the School of Public Health. Although his father and brothers were all proud pre-med molecular and cell biology majors, Jon’s never felt like he was really a part of the family anyway and decided it would be easier to escape the Stark legacy by choosing a different major. Besides, public health isn’t any easier; the King in the North literally died taking Biology 1A and came back alive just to finish his studies and save everyone from the plague that is the White Walkers.

Cersei Lannister

It should come as no surprise that Cersei Lannister, the snake in chief of “Game of Thrones,” is a proud student of the Haas School of Business. In recent years, Cersei has rapidly ascended the ranks of her business fraternity after threatening multiple times to withdraw her family’s financial support if she doesn’t attain an officer position by her third semester. Cersei was recently voted the president of her fraternity, following what seemed like an orchestrated protest that led to the arrest of all of her competitors.

Petyr Baelish

As the former Master of Coin and a slippery snake himself, Littlefinger also finessed his way into the Haas School of Business. Littlefinger has been spending his whole life pretending he is a #woke feminist, but even his gender and women’s studies minor can’t hide the fact that he’s a fake liberal woke boy who really just wants to get into Sansa’s pants. When he isn’t kissing up to his professors at office hours, Lord Petyr Baelish enjoys subtly wreaking havoc by tipping off local riot groups about potential protests.

Sansa Stark

Honestly, it’s ridiculous how much Sansa has had to put up with in these past six seasons. The poor Lady of Winterfell has been dragged around from one bottom-feeding, piece-of-vermin male to the next, and she is tired of it. Whereas Sansa used to bite her tongue for fear of having her head (literally) bitten off, she is now one of the most active students in her gender and women’s studies seminars. She was a proud marcher at the Oakland Women’s March and in her spare time, she organizes and directs “The Vagina Monologues.”

Arya Stark

In the two semesters she has been at UC Berkeley, Arya Stark has changed her major no less than eight times — well, seven, if you don’t count the second time she switched into dance and performance studies. Most recently, Arya finished a brief stint in philosophy; she decided to switch when her GSI refused to call her Arya in class and kept reminding her, “A girl has no name.”

White Walkers

With their pale-as-snow complexion and apparent antisocial tendencies, the White Walkers fit right at home with UC Berkeley’s very own north of the Wall, north of campus population — the EECS majors. The White Walkers certainly don’t get out very much, but a mere sighting of these rare creatures outside of Cory and Soda Halls is enough to strike fear into the hearts of every plebeian they encounter. Don’t be lured into a sense of security by how quiet they seem, though — they’ve seen the memes about them on UC Berkeley Memes for Edgy Teens, and they’re ready to wage technological warfare by freezing your computers. Winter is here.

Daenerys Targaryen

This queen is looking to take the Iron Throne, and her quadruple major in public policy, peace and conflict studies, classical civilizations and linguistics is going to help her get there. Every single one of her advisors — even her Letters and Science advisor, with whom she’s on a first-name basis — has told her she’s insane, but Daenerys Targaryen, First of Her Name, refuses to take no for an answer. Even though few people are in the Mother of Dragons’ upper-division seminars, for some peculiar reason everyone always wants a study date with her. The queen prefers to study alone, though, spending most of her time in her incredibly decked-out condo in North Berkeley. A dragon garden included, of course.

Tyrion Lannister

Tyrion Lannister applied to the Haas School of Business, but a scathing letter sent by Cersei to several Haas professors sabotaged his application and forced him to settle for an economics major. The imp doesn’t mind all too much, though — not being forced to network and put on a friendly face all the time leaves more time for him to drink on the weekends. Tyrion is one of Daenerys Targaryen’s few trusted study buddies, as his searing sense of humor and complete disregard for his studies brings a minute bit of balance to her life. (Plus, he always supplies the alcohol.)

Who knew Westerosis and Golden Bears could be so alike?

Contact Valerie Hsieh at [email protected].

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