A guide to campus’s top-secret poop spots

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Daniel Kim/Senior Staff

 

It’s no secret that the UC Berkeley campus is home to some contentious debate. Yet perhaps the most divisive topic on campus is finding the best place to, well, take a shit. Every student seems to have a strong opinion on the matter, and with more students being admitted every year, even the most isolated, sacred spots of defecation are in danger of forever disappearing.

In response, we compiled a comprehensive guide of the top seven “poop spots” on campus, taking into account four factors: location, privacy, aesthetic and comfort. Enjoy!

  1. Dwinelle Hall third (or fourth?) floor

It took me about a year and a half to find the Peet’s on the third floor (or fourth, who knows) of Dwinelle Hall, but the real find was the little restroom, nestled in the corner between Peet’s and the adjacent classrooms. This spot is the perfect location for your eventual coffee shits or even a short pitstop between classes.

  1. Moffitt Library fourth floor

OK, it might be the most crowded restroom on campus, but hear me out: the high stalls that extend from floor to ceiling in this gender-neutral space are seriously impenetrable. This spot is the prime location for pure anonymity during one of your louder shits. You can toot, toot, toot your way to the finish line and no one will ever know it’s you.

  1. Martin Luther King Jr. Student Union first floor northeast corner

No one knows this bathroom exists. Walk past the OCF, Cal TV and the Blue & Gold Yearbook offices and you’ll eventually stumble upon a mecca of privacy. One of the largest bathrooms on this list, this forgotten restroom is probably a 30-second walk from where you’re studying. Next time you feel that True Blue burger building up in your intestines, skip the MLK bathroom adjacent to the student store and head straight into this forgotten kingdom.

  1. Mulford Hall third floor

At first, nothing will especially stand out about this joint, except that it’s isolated and almost exclusively used by professors. This fact, however, makes the space kind of exciting in a rebellious sort of way. You’re pooping where your ESPM professor probably poops! Professors poop too!

  1. East Asian Library

One of the newer spots on campus, this bathroom is classy in a Cheesecake Factory sort of way. The faucets are copper, the round sinks are swirling swamps of beautiful blues and greens and the rest of the interior is wholly modern. Plus, you can tell your friends you’ve pooped in in the place that also stores the largest Chinese film archive in North America. Iconic!

  1. Doe Library third floor

Up, up, up above the Mark Twain statue, past the “Washington Rallying the Troops at Monmouth” painting, and across from the History of Art department lies a monolith reminiscent of ancient Athens. Hell, even the stall doors in this one are white-stained marble. It’s a (men’s-only, unfortunately) restroom like no other half-marble, half-windowed, overlooking Durant Hall and Dwinelle Hall, it’s clearly a bathroom that doesn’t belong in this century. You’ll feel like a god taking a dump here.

  1. South Hall second floor

And the winner for Most Shittable Place” is … South Hall. The oldest building on campus also has the best bathroom. The largest stall has a window on its left side that opens above the area between Stephens Hall and the Campanile, making it a dual pooping/people-watching experience. Don’t worry, it’s just high enough that they won’t see you! Despite the age of the building, this bathroom is well kept and rarely used, with the occasional graduate student stumbling in. You’re pooping where UC Berkeley essentially began and that in itself feels pretty epic.

Honorable mention: Free Speech Movement Cafe

What it lacks in cleanliness, the restroom outside of the Free Speech Movement Cafe more than makes up in personality and overall UC Berkeley-ness. Located in the bustling academic hub of Moffitt Library and covered head to toe with graffiti ranging from declarations of love for “Che!” to wall-long debates on the role of race in shaping modern America, you’ll never really be a UC Berkeleyan until you make your mark in this hot spot. Plus, it’s a single-stall restroom, so feel free to take your time and bask in the glory of the Free Speech Movement.

Contact Nils Jepson at [email protected].