What are the odds

HardCap_ZainabAli
Zainab Ali/File

Guess who’s back, back again. The school year! That’s right, you heard us. Fall has crept up on us once again, and we’re warming up for yet another 15-week-long marathon sprint. As we place our toes to the start line, we’ve all got some goals in mind. Similarly to Dec. 31, we hold our resolutions with high hopes for the future. But what’s the real likelihood that any of these resolutions will become reality? Luckily, we at the Clog can offer extremely accurate, and entirely unscientific, probabilities that these pipe dreams will pan out.

As much as it pains us to say, the whole notion that you’re going to work out during the academic year is about as likely as you passing an uncurved computer science midterm. With the exception of Sig Ep’s “yoga hoes and LAX bros”-themed party, your tennis shoes will never see the light of day. You’ve got to pick your battles, people. And cardio shan’t be one of them.

The odds that you’ll make a new friend are through the roof. Cool people are a dime a dozen around these parts, and the shared suffering and desperate need for companionship that comes with the college territory make new friendships easy. Be it a new study buddy or beer pong partner, the opportunities to meet a new pal are endless. We can all agree on some fundamental truths that unite us all. Top Dog would be so good right now, financial aid’s a pain, and we hate Stanford. These three unalienable truths bring everyone closer together and lay a solid foundation for any friendship.

Unfortunately, we can guarantee that this will be a stressful time in your life. The sad truth of the matter is that you’ll probably suffer some minor stress-induced hair loss around week seven of the semester. You can fool yourself and promise to stay zen all year, but who are you trying to kid? The odds that we don’t lose our cool in the near future are similar to the chances of you finding a open spot on Main Stacks on the Friday of dead week. So exactly zero.

The chances of you learning something new every day is exactly 100 percent. Whether it be inside the classroom or out, we can promise that you’ll have at least one learning experience every 24 hours. Some of us will learn how to do laundry for the first time, others will see the light during chemical titration. Or perhaps living on your own will help you realize how underappreciated moms are, while midterm season will show you the importance of double speed on screencast lectures. Whatever it may be, you’re certainly in for a wicked learning curve.

Contact Amanda Chung at [email protected].