OK: A poem

sitting in the rain with an umbrella
Amanda Burke/File

Content warning: depression, suicidal thoughts

I forget what I wanted to do, what I wanted to say,

I guess it can all wait for another day —

But can I?

My head is spinning and it has been for days ever since I first saw the sun’s rays.

And I prayed and I prayed that that light would pierce my skin and would touch the riddled flesh within,

But no,

But no.

My skin’s too thick

My own defenses turned against me, tired.

Tired of keeping the world out and a black hole in,

Tired of being surrounded by people in a room but alone in a skull.

 

My lies are too believable,

My jokes too relatable.

And when I say, “KILL me, honestly,” or, “I’m DEAD inside,”

Know it’s really just to hide

that inside I’m not dead I’m burning –

– No, drowning –

– No, freezing –

– Yes, all three –

That I hurt and I’m numb and it’s all the same to me,

That I see a bridge or a blade and I think, “What if.”

And I know it’s not healthy – but maybe a cliff

Would do me the favor the sun never could

But no, but no, I never would.

 

It comes on so often, so quiet and fast

The thought that today could be my last.

And that’s ok that’s ok I think it’s ok but I’m not ok I’ve never been ok I want you to think I’m ok I want you to know I’m not ok.

Ok? Ok.

Because I used to look at the sun and beg it to enter me

And now it only rains.

Contact Olivia Staser at [email protected].

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