Welcome to my cunt-servatory

Sex on Tuesday

Michelle Zheng

With a 7-inch dildo in one hand, a vibrator pressed against my clit and an incognito tab at the ready, I dove into the treasure trove that was Reddit’s NSFW Plowcam page.

A red circle proclaimed “18+” and I was hit with a question that was now an old friend: “Are you over 18 and willing to see adult content?”

I remember the first time I saw red. While contentedly browsing games on my family’s shared computer, my 7-year-old self chanced upon an animation branded with a glowing red label: “Warning, Mature Content.”

Thus, my first interactions with sexually graphic material started with Naruto gerbil porn and a “Gotta Fuck ‘em All” parody of the Pokémon theme song. Like stumbling upon a dragon’s porn hoard, I marveled at the bounty of mature content with an innocent, childlike curiosity.

From terrible sex quizzes to pornographic adventure games, I treated each pixelated, uncensored discovery with the same reverence as one would a lost Monet. The gallery that made up my young mind nestled the imagery of quivering members right next to the concept of basic addition. As the years went on, I rotated outdated sex tips out and ushered new kink knowledge in like a seasoned art curator.

I moved to China when I was nine, but even the country’s fervent censorship failed to stop me — equipped with a trusty VPN, I continued to explore the then-mysterious bowels of the internet, and I wasn’t afraid to get dirty. As I continued to refine my knowledge in carnal delights, I found myself captivated by the “bizarre.” Delving into the world of the sexually eccentric made me feel like I was living lives I would never otherwise experience.

My late night investigations turned to the taboo, devouring in half-abject horror, half-rapt fascination at vivid accounts of diaper fetishes, bugchasing (where one intentionally tries to contract HIV) and most memorably, roadkill romps gone wrong. What went awry, you may ask? Let’s just say that rotting animal flesh doesn’t mingle well with vaginal contact.

My fascination with this “deviancy” was an extension of my obsessive desire to amass as many hand-me-down lives as possible, which I supplemented with “Choose Your Own Adventure” quizzes, story-writing and theater. Even though these accounts vastly differed from my own, I pushed past this initial shock appeal and found myself simply among other human beings.

The first renaissance of experimentation blossomed as I reached my teen years. Seldom was I interested, however, in practicing what I read online in reality, especially my more esoteric, unsavory insights. I fancied myself a lone ranger; my isolation, self-induced and cultivated by others, resulted in both resignation and anticipation of a life sans emotional and physical entanglements. I was content sitting alone in the peculiar sex museum of my own creation.   

Unsurprisingly, for a long period of my life, I believed I was aromantic and asexual (otherwise known as aro/ace). I couldn’t imagine myself in a romantic relationship, and while I clearly wasn’t sex-repulsed, my fascination with all things sex rarely stemmed from attraction toward others. I still tried to see how far I could deepthroat bananas and popsicles, though.  

The second renaissance, however, of experimentation awaited me in the form of college. Finally, I could be an artist, rather than only a patron. Much like Leonardo da Vinci, I, too, began developing techniques to study the human anatomy: How could I not when I suddenly had a wealth of new muses to observe?

 With my arms and legs akimbo like the Vitruvian Man’s, I was determined to draw my own conclusions about the ideal body. Finally, all my aimless Kegel practices in my youth could be put to the test. I milked my free birth control like a 17th-century dairy maiden squeezing the teats of a beautiful cow and liberally applied the decade of accumulated sexual knowledge, to mixed reviews.

That’s not to say that after a few Tinder romps, I emerged a perfect, glaze-fired ceramic. I am very much still a lump of clay, continually molded by my surroundings. While I no longer identified with the label of aro/ace, I knew that monogamy as a medium did not resonate with me, either.

From seeing five people at the same time, consistently planning threesomes, to my current state of dating my long-term boyfriend and having adventures with a little piece on the side, I continued to discover what mediums worked for me.

Being in an open and polyamorous relationship opens up a liminal space for me to explore relationships that are otherwise lost in the Bermuda Triangle that is our binary, taken-or-not society. I wish to shed light on the buried, forgotten, and ostracized aspects of emotional and erotic intimacy.

I’m opening up my mind’s strange sex museum to the public for the first time. As you walk through these not-so-hallowed halls, I hope you’ll be inspired to make your own art, too.

Michelle Zheng writes the Tuesday column on sex. Contact her at [email protected] and follow her on Twitter at @thezhenger.

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  • Neighbor

    Where is my comment? Why on earth was it removed? It followed the guidelines! It’s ironic- you publish articles like this, no holds barred, then censor a mild rebuke?

    • Neighbor

      Hello still waiting for my comment to be published. Please stick to the rules.

  • sven holmes

    Imagine growing up in rural China, moving to the USA. Working hard to get into UC Berkeley, one of the best universities in the world, and then being given an OpEd platform to write…and you write about dildos, poopy diapers, and your mental illnesses.

    • Seven Homes

      Imagine not reading an article closely enough and assuming a post is about rural China (seriously, what? Where did you even get that from?). Working hard to write a petty comment on one of the myriad articles that offends your delicate sensibilities (while adding it to your bookshelf full of them, under Y for You Need Jesus)…and you end up revealing just how much you dislike anyone who can enjoy life because you were too busy being a chode to find happiness. Whoops :(
      I’d consider your comment more of a waste of time and effort than this article.

      • sven holmes

        Imagine considering something a waste of time but then making a sock account mimicking its name. Really made me think.

      • lspanker

        The lowercase sven holmes had something of substance to offer to the discussion. You merely seem bothered by the fact that you did not…

    • California Defender

      Whoa, one of the best universities in the world? Hold on now. Perhaps in STEM it’s decent, but just a guess… it’s probably not the area of study for the author.

      Nevertheless, I enjoy reading articles like this. It helps me understand the turbulence in the minds of the left. Perhaps their political ideology is really a product of watching diaper fetishes, bugchasing (now there’s an argument against Obamacare), and roadkill romps (and there is another).

      And this:

      “I milked my free birth control like a 17th-century dairy maiden squeezing the teats of a beautiful cow…”

      My support for Planned Parenthood just tripled! I guess some socialized medicine does work.

      • sven holmes

        Luckily with enough birth control, promiscuity, and the medical side effects that come with a lifestyle of hedonism, she is voluntarily removing herself from the gene-pool. While marking herself as an unfit partner as a warning to any serious man who wishes to have a child with her. How brave and progressive!

        • lspanker

          Funny, but have you noted the rather selective moderation in effect here?

        • California Defender

          Exactly! But, apart from this article, I don’t see how she’d be outwardly marked as unfit unless she’s honest and upfront with each man (doubt it).

          I also don’t understand why some conservatives oppose Planned Parenthood. They do a fantastic job preventing unwanted births, especially among those who would clearly make terrible parents. Although, birth control isn’t 100% effective.

          Perhaps sterilization should be promoted on college campuses as a guaranteed way to live a care-free life of hedonism.

          • sven holmes

            Just look at which demographics use Abortion the most :)

            And don’t worry I’ve archived this article and distributed it, so it won’t be forgotten.

          • California Defender

            I routinely send articles like this to anyone I know who is thinking about attending Berkeley (and to their parents).

            I can’t tell you how many (shocked) parents have come back and told me “thanks for saving my kid from making a terrible decision.”