Queef, queef, who’s there?

Sex on Tuesday

Michelle Zheng

Like an unexpected tropical storm, the woman’s vagina queefed thunderously in the middle of an amateur porn clip. Choking back a snort, I braced myself for the torrent of disgust that would inevitably flood out of the man’s mouth as he continued to flail against her supple buttocks.     

Instead, he grunted seductively: “Yeah … let that pussy speak,” as each and every vigorous thrust unleashed a crescendo of moist quacks from her glistening hole. The woman’s mouth quivered as she failed to restrain a smile, rolling her eyes in a combination of ecstasy and amusement. He gave her callipygian behind a confident smack. “My little duckling … “

I slammed the pause button, screeching with laughter. I wiped away the tears streaming down my face, still gripped by my paroxysms of glee.

I usually see porn as the epitome of unrealistic sex-pectations and definitely not anything to model off of, but in this instance, actors were shown to roll with the punches and enjoy themselves too. Even when I trip while seductively making my way towards my partner, I don’t need to call cut and curl up into a fetal position. I can just shrug it off with a cheesy, “Baby, I just can’t stop falling for you.”

The importance of embracing silly sex only became more salient as time and time again, my hookups would get frazzled by the inability to maintain irrelevant standards of a sensual, suave façade shown in Hollywood blockbusters.

A simple derobing stumble would vaporize the person who so boldly invited me over to rock me like a hurricane into a weak drizzle. Being unable to unclasp a bra in the heat of the moment shouldn’t be a deal-breaker for great sex. Confronting the awkwardness creates a sense of familiarity which, honestly, makes the experience more intimate and memorable.

Plus, putting sex on a pedestal is not only immensely dull, but can also be incredibly harmful. A lot of vagina-bearers get anxious over peeing after penetrative sex, but not washing out the dick bacteria with some good ol’ urine may cause a UTI. Not feeling ashamed for scuttling to the toilet after sex, cleaning up cum stains together, or wincing at failed dirty talk can help us have healthier, more normalized relationships with sex.  

We’re basically bags of water sloshing about as we rocket around at 100 mph on a rock in space. Why does it matter to have Goldilocks perfect sex? After all, when energy is transferred from one place to another, there will be energy loss; so, it’s scientifically proven that if your bodies are slapping together from vigorous lovemaking, there will be moments where you’ll make suction cup-popping fat-roll farts.

You’ll find over time that there will be things you like and don’t like about sex, and that’s perfectly valid. If something happens that makes you no longer in the mood, you have all the right to stop. But accidentally burping on someone’s dick a little when you’re done swallowing shouldn’t kill the vibe.

I love doing silly things during sex and glamorizing the messy aftercare. I make my boyfriend’s penis talk like a muppet when we’re cuddling in bed, jiggle my boobs around to make the bird tattoo on my chest “fly,” and sing Broadway-esque show tunes when I’m on the toilet. When an awkward moment strikes, whether that’s an elbow to the face or calling yourself “daddy,” it’s not the end of the world.

Case in point, recently, during a torrid tryst, a pillow toppled off the bed and knocked over a bottle of beer onto my hookup’s laptop. After the frantic cleanup, his soft dick still out and hands full of damp paper towel, he said, “Well, now that the mood has been adequately ruined, do you want to go to Subway with me?” After he devoured his footlong, we went back and I happily took his six inches.

Sex isn’t picture-perfect and embracing the weird antics helps take the load off. So, the next time you hear a pussy speak, make sure to talk back.

Michelle Zheng writes the Tuesday column on sex. Contact her at [email protected] and follow her on Twitter at @thezhenger.

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  • BlackConservative

    Michelle, could you explain to me exactly what a queef is like? I’ve always wondered? Great article, thanks!

  • Nathan Kayhan

    When a woman queefs, does she experience a sense of relief similar to that which is felt after farting?

    • BlackConservative

      Great question, I was wondering the same thing!

    • Mandy Beri

      Nope.

      • BlackConservative

        bummer! I guess all farts aren’t relief. Not to get too disgusting but I”m curious, is there a similar thing to a shart when you queef?

        • Nathan Kayhan

          I bet if she was banging on her period a little bit of blood might squirt out.