How to avoid watching scary movies

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Nishali Naik/Staff

It is officially October which means it is now “pre-Halloween.” For weeks, cobwebs and pumpkins and witches will materialize in anticipation of the 31st. Some of your friends may begin to suggest scary movie night. Some people love that, but others have common sense. For those of you who need an adequate justification for passing on a horror movie viewing, this guide is for you.

Suggest a romantic comedy instead

Romantic comedies are more conducive to having a good time. Instead of screaming all night in fear of ghosts, you can complain about how Hollywood portrays falling in love. Which pastime sounds more wholesome? Exactly.

Offer to have the viewing at your place

Once your friends are over, the popcorn is popped and the lights are off, turn on the TV to reveal that the movie you will all be watching is Shrek. It definitely qualifies as a horror movie with a big green monster, a witch’s curse, and an insecure bigot in a position of power. Host this movie party at your place, so your friends cannot override your movie choice.

Point out that paying money to be scared is literally stupid

If your friends are suggesting that you should go out to a movie theater to watch a horror movie, smack them across the face and ask what is wrong with them. Fear is a crucial, biological reaction we have in life-threatening situations. Paying money in order to experience that feeling is sadistic. Spend that money on boba or something.

Explain that there are easier ways to get scared

Tell your friends that there are somewhat more constructive means of getting scared. Try reading the news. America (and the world at large) is riddled with a lot of terrifying problems from global warming to incompetent world leaders. Tell your friends that you would rather read up on some truly frightening issues and do something about them.

Say you had a traumatic experience with clowns

At this point, if your friend has not given up on forcing you to participate in this asinine cultural practice, it is time to start lying. Make up a story about a creepy clown at your birthday party when you were eight years old. Hopefully, they’ll understand.

Give them a taste of their own medicine

If after trying the first three excuses your friend still wants you to come, agree to do so. Then, show up at their house with a prop chainsaw and freaky mask and see how they like it.

Run away

If all else fails, running from your problems is always a guaranteed way out. Spend your Friday night looking at the meme page instead.

Stay safe during the month of October, and rest assured that when it comes to ways to avoid spooky situations, the Clog is here to teach you.

Contact Edrick Sabalburo at [email protected].