The darkest secrets of the brightest star: Oski’s greatest fears

oski_eepstein_file
Ethan Epstein/File

Oski is the creepiest-looking college mascot out there. We love him, but he is hella terrifying. Oski’s toothy grin and unblinking eyes haunt the dreams of every UC Berkeley student, and they definitely freak out a few dozen faculty members. But has anyone ever stopped to ask what Oski is afraid of? This is the Clog’s speculative list.

Going up for open mic night and being booed off the stage

It takes a lot of guts to get up on stage, especially when it comes to stand up comedy. It would not surprise us to find out that Oski is terrified of being rudely rejected. As a general rule, do not be a jerk to people courageous enough to try their luck at open mic night, especially if it is Oski.

Football games

Interestingly enough, it is conceivable that Oski is terrified of football. Why does he spend so much of his time facing the crowd with his back to the game? Why does he never sing along to all the fight songs? It is because football intimidates him, but he shows up every week because he knows it is his job. He does it for us.

Dressing up like a normal person

As aforementioned, Oski is creepy. His aesthetic consists of a dated wardrobe that makes him look like he is out of place, which is not saying much, since he is a bear with a massive head and unblinking eyes (also, he hydrates through his right eye). Maybe Oski has never had a friend introduce him to contemporary style trends, and he just finds the whole thing intimidating.

The housing crisis

Literally same.

Bear mascots who look buffer than him

If you were to mention Oski’s defining characteristics, being ripped would not be one of them. He is not the only bear mascot out there in the world of college athletics, and it would be understandable for him to be more than a little intimidated (we’re looking at you, Joe Bruin).

Dying alone

Oski brings a lot of joy to the campus community, most notably at Cal athletic events. You would be hard pressed to find someone with as much energy or enthusiasm as the Golden Bears’s No. 1 fan. Deep down, however, we suspect that Oski has spent the last 76 years looking for that special someone — a companion for life. Oski is not going to live forever, and he must be tired of looking for that partner. We hope you find them, Oski.  

Sometimes it becomes so easy to obsess over our own personal fears that we forget about the terror in others. This October, let us remember that even our very own Oski is afraid of something, whatever that might be.

Contact Edrick Sabalburo at [email protected].

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