Clog’s declassified NBA survival guide

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Bryce Edwards/Creative Commons

The 2017 NBA season is very nearly upon us as tip-off Tuesday, Oct. 17 draws near. With the regular season oh-so-close, we’re getting hyped for the slam dunks and excessive referee calls that are sure to come.

As completely under-qualified sports analysts, we at the Clog are here to offer a comprehensive and entirely unverified guide of the 2017 NBA season for our fellow sports n00bs. Never mind the fact that we have almost no idea what we’re talking about here. We’ve got some loosely-formed opinions and we want to share them. Come at us, sports department.

Everyone is hooting and hollering about the same few teams that people always yell about. The Warriors, the Cavaliers and the Raptors (less so for that last one) are once again the talk of the town. While we understand the hubbub surrounding these mighty assemblies, we’ve chosen to focus on a few other key lineups this year. Namely, the Miami Heat, Utah Jazz, OKC Thunder and Orlando Magic. Why you may ask? What makes them so special? What do these teams have that others don’t?  

Well, they’re the only four teams in the league that don’t end with an “s.” This lack of plurality is important for franchise success. The way that these teams are named as a singular unit indicates the cohesion and teamwork that is sure to win them the championship. Our logic is foolproof with this one, so Stephen A. Smith can just keep his two pennies in his pocket. We don’t need his two cents.

If we had to pick one of the big fancy teams that other people talk about™ to endorse, it would be the Boston Celtics. Jaylen is on the squad, and you know we gotta root for our fellow bear. The Celtic’s acquisition of Kyrie Irving is also a huge come up for the team that showed some serious heart last season. Plus, Gordon Hayward is easy on the eyes.

In terms of individual players, we’ve got our eye on Lonzo Ball of the Lakers and Nick Young with the local Golden State Warriors. Between Lonzo’s father and the endless pun opportunities of his last name, it’s impossible to ignore him when discussing the sport. Nick Young has some major talent that was slept on during his time in LA. The whole sinking ship that was the 2015-2016 Laker season made it hard for him to excel, but we think that the seasoned professionals and the wild success of the Warriors will give him an opportunity to grow and shine bright like a diamond.

Deep down, in our heart of hearts, we’re holding out for a 1984-esque Celtics/Lakers rematch. Imagine what a dope 30-for-30 that would be.

So there it is folks. A completely accurate and entirely comprehensive guide for predictions for this NBA season. You heard it here first.

Contact Amanda Chung at [email protected].