Reasons UC Berkeley students are the laziest, sleepiest humans

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Xinyu Li/File

Very few carbon-based life forms on this planet are as lazy as UC Berkeley students. It doesn’t matter what major — if you’re in college, it’s likely you avoid physical effort at all costs. We at UC Berkeley can relate to the lethargy and excessive sleepiness that university life breeds, and, as the list below notes, we’ve clearly outdone ourselves. 

Sleeping through lecture

Although we promised ourselves we wouldn’t miss any 8 a.m. classes this semester, we somehow ended up missing class a grand total of 17 times. Only a midterm worth a third of our grade can drag us out of bed.

Camping out in Moffitt Library

As real bears hibernate for the winter, we hibernate in Moffitt, cramming for the next midterm.

Taking an Uber to class

This the peak of laziness. It’s only excusable if you live in Clark Kerr.

Getting lost in Dwinelle Hall

Almost every student has gotten lost when attempting to find an office or classroom in the maze that is Dwinelle. There has to be someone who vanished within this labyrinth, only to be found years later.

Washing your bed sheets, but not putting them on until months later

Again, this is a remarkable display of sloth that even a sloth itself would envy.

Excessively sleeping on weekends

After a long week, we try to take a Friday afternoon nap, only to emerge from slumber a whopping 15 hours later (we’ve gotta make up for that sleep deprivation sometime, right?).

No matter how far away a restaurant is, you still order delivery

A typical college student probably wouldn’t waste their time getting up and exerting energy to get food. Why should you?

If you can lay your clothes on it, it becomes your closet

In everyone’s room there’s a chair or desk in the corner that holds approximately seven sweaters, 20 pairs of pants and who knows what else. It’s the type of laziness that’s relatable, but still a problem. 

Only cooking from cans or microwavable dishes, because the concept of actually cooking is an intense level of commitment.

Nobody likes having to cook. We’d all rather just be proud of your lack of culinary skills. And thank gosh we have two Trader Joe’s in close proximity that have some amazing frozen-food options. 

Next time you sleep through lecture or make your desk into a de-facto closet, remember that almost every UC Berkeley student can relate.  We’re all as lazy as you are. Just be sure not to get lost in Dwinelle for too long, and you’ll probably be just fine. 

Contact Melany Dillon at [email protected].