Memoir of a literal loser: Everything is missing in action

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Chris Hewitt/Staff

“I know it’s around here somewhere.” “I swear I just had it …” “I could have sworn I put it right there!” These are a few of the confused expressions we murmur right before we realize that our glasses are on our face, quite literally right in front of our nose. This state of befuddlement has become our new normal. Our inability to keep track of anything and everything has reached new heights as our lives as literal losers have become a constant cycle of seeking what we unintentionally hid from ourselves.

The long list of bizarre items that we’ve managed to misplace is so absurd that it’s comical. That one time we lost two pairs of pants in one weekend still confuses us. How we were able to be stranded and pantless twice in such a short window of time is genuinely impressive. Or there was that time we lost our favorite mug somewhere between the kitchen and our bedroom. We eventually found it in the hallway closet in the laundry basket, but how it got there is a mystery that Sherlock himself couldn’t solve.

More than just the strange, there are the repeat offenders. We burn through water bottles like our lives depend on it. We’ve lost one of those suckers in every building on campus and have the perpetual dehydration to prove it. We also have mastered the art of forgetting our ID. We’re on a first name basis with the people at the Cal1 Card office since we have to replace our stupid ID every three weeks. Don’t even get us started on that time we left our keys in a stranger’s shoe at the RSF. Too bad Peter Pan’s group of friends isn’t seeking new members. We could be the new leader of the Lost Boys.

It’s not like we enjoy spending 24 percent of everyday searching for the random items that we accidentally left behind. We’re well aware that our propensity to leave important items in unimportant places is going to bite us in the butt one day. In our defense, our logic at the time of initial misplacement is fairly sound. When there’s something that we’re absolutely certain we shouldn’t lose, we put it in a special location for safe keeping. Only to forget said safe place almost immediately. It’s like we’re constantly playing a twisted game of hide and seek by ourselves. Our lives as a literal loser have certainly seen some trying times, but, unlike our wallet last week, not all hope is lost. One day, we’ll be able to keep track of our own belongings. That reminds us, has anyone seen our phone?

Contact Amanda Chung at [email protected].