Clog report: After 1 year of Trump, Campanile moves to Canada

campanile_mdrummond
Michael Drummond/File

After more than 100 years of serving as the eyes and ears of the UC Berkeley, the Campanile has had enough. Following nearly 365 days since the election of Donald Trump as president of the United States, UC Berkeley’s very own Sather Tower has announced that it’ll pack up its belongings and move to Canada, effective immediately.

The news came as a shock to UC Berkeley students everywhere. Many students made the trek to class this morning and noticed something was a bit different, though they couldn’t quite put their fingers on it immediately.

“I was late to my class this morning because I didn’t hear the Campanile bells ring at 8 a.m., which I used as my alarm to wake up in time for my 9 a.m. lecture,” explained one freshman. “Then, as I was walking up to Pimentel, it hit me that the Campanile was literally gone. I thought I was tired, but I noticed that there was just a gaping hole where the tower was supposed to be.”

Sather Tower is now en route to British Columbia, Canada, where it’ll trade its century-long residency at “UCB” for a new stint at “UBC” instead. The Campanile’s decision to leave follows thousands of lies and erroneous 3 a.m. tweets, the firing and resigning of several high-ranking public officials, three failed “travel bans,” the ending of the DACA program, threat of nuclear war with North Korea and much more.

“It simply no longer felt up for the job of representing the university and California public school system, or even remaining within the United States, with everything going on with Trump,” stated one of the Campanile’s representatives. “Many negotiations took place, but it reached a point where there was nothing the university itself could do to convince the Campanile to stay. It’s been surrounded by a perpetual (and literal) cloud of gloom for several months, and it was therefore time for the university to let the tower move onto greater and better things.”

Many student groups on campus are also devastated by this dramatic loss to the university, including the Campanile’s very own Sather Tower Carillon, the group that plays the bells at the top of *the Campanile* every hour and three special tunes every weekday. “I can’t believe it’s really gone,” stated one member. “I’m considering dropping out and following the Campanile to Canada. The Campanile is my home, so I go wherever it goes.”

Many students share similar feelings and wish they had taken the opportunity to move to Canada before the state of politics turned sour. “Honestly, I totally feel the Campanile,” explained one junior transfer. “I wish I had done the same before I knew what I was really getting myself into.”

Despite the endless tears we’ve shed upon learning this tragic news, the Campanile will always be in our hearts, from Berkeley to Canada.

Contact Chloe Lelchuk at [email protected].

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  • lspanker

    Are you trying to tell us that the current crop of Cal students are a bunch of crybabies?