Stuff I’ve shoved up my holes: Ranked

Sex on Tuesday

Michelle Zheng

Even before my appointment as the campus’s sex captain, I’ve always been one of the most devoted members of TMI town’s neighborhood watch. As a result, I am now everyone’s go-to resource to alleviate bottled-up, repressed horniness.

Much like those little free libraries in suburban cul-de-sacs (but sexier), I’m always happy to lend any of my (well-used) toys after a wash and a quick dusting of cornstarch — as long as you have no qualms about the fact they will have been imbued with the powerful spirits of masturbation sessions past. Just don’t use any of my pussy products for ass application.

While I am a fervent proselytizer of sex toys, it wasn’t through the divine gift of Eros that I acquired my dildo knowledge. Much like the hilariously erroneous study from Times Online, I too once believed the G-spot was a myth. While I now know that the G-spot becomes more sensitive with clit stimulation, sadly, in my youth, the content I was consuming for sexual enlightenment was badly written fan fiction and a lot of tentacle hentai.

The former came from an echo chamber of virginal preteen writers who parroted the terminology of other, slightly older virginal preteen writers. I thought that dicks “wept precum” and that saliva was more than adequate lubrication for surprise anal. My torrid affair with the latter only makes me say “octopussy” a lot. This ilk of content wasn’t exactly the most educational, but considering I grew up in the censor-dome that is mainland China and went to a conservative British international school, it was better than nothing.

Consequently, my humble sexual beginnings started like most people’s: shoving random household items on or near my horny bits.

While Stats 20 has taught me that experimental data is the only data from which you can draw causal conclusions, in this case, this was, and still is, extremely unadvised — please stick to observational examinations. I hope you can learn from my adolescent mistakes and educate yourself on obtaining high-quality sex toys that won’t result in funny X-rays.      

Jumbo Yellow Glue stick, Comix: 0/10

gluestick

Age: 11

I attempted to shove the glue stick up my butt dry, after watching poorly animated anal on funnygames.biz/adult. I had waited for the flash animation to load for a good 40 minutes, and I guess the characters seemed to like getting their butt plowed? When I realized the glue stick was too large for my puckered sphincter and pulled it out, the glue stick cap got stuck in my ass.

I had a panic attack at 1 a.m. on a school day as I squatted, strained and whimpered like a constipated labradoodle to get it out. My life briefly flashed before my eyes as I imagined having to go to a Chinese ER only to be called out as a juvenile sexual deviant.

The cap did eventually come out. I, luckily, did not have to go to Gay Baby Jail for Uncooperative Comrades.

Rounded Black Whiteboard Marker, Generic: 2/10

marker

Age: 12

I left this in my vagina overnight because of my continued abysmal preteen knowledge on how sexual pleasure works. I couldn’t fit it in all the way, so the cap made a lump in my panties and made me look like I was constantly in the middle of shitting myself. My corrosive vaginal juices dissolved the text on the marker shaft by the next day. The marker still worked afterward, though, and I’m sure my cervix appreciated the company.

Pro tip: your cervix position shifts depending on where you are in your menstrual cycle and also how turned on you are. When you’re fertile or just feeling frisky, the cervix goes into prime dick-down mode, receding back to accommodate dicks of any size (no more painful cervix cock-ups). Though this now makes me realize that if I had been aroused, my vagina would have probably consumed the entire marker.   

Hummingbird Flosser, Oral-B: 9.5/10

flosser

Age: 13-16

The usage of this product highlights the renaissance of sexual understanding in my life: Clitoral stimulation was where it’s at. This humble flosser’s description proudly states that its “simple push button activation system delivers soothing and controlled vibration.”

The only reason why it wasn’t a perfect 10/10 was because I needed to hold onto the button to maintain the vibration. As I annihilated my clit with other high-velocity objects such as shower head jets, my hands would cramp up more and more as I desperately waited for my climax. This little jury-rigged vibrator served me well over the years. I abused this dental hygiene tool to the point where the circuitry became exposed and frayed, which definitely added a spark to all my masturbation sessions.

So, if my dentist asks: Technically, yes, I do floss.   

There isn’t a neat moral to these little vinegar-stroke vignettes, but I highly, highly recommend that everyone try out sex toys instead of popping a condom on a cucumber in the dark at home. I’ve been happy to see carefree propagation of sex toys by femmes, but why stop there? It would be awesome to also decrease the stigma for cis-guys and penis-wielders, who are frequently shamed as losers who “can’t get a real hookup.”

Let us live in a wonderful, destigmatized world where no one feels any shame when purchasing the patented “GuyBrator” or a 3-hole blow-up doll. You can also literally nut in an egg — the sky’s the limit, so power your JO crystal with no shame.

Michelle Zheng writes the Tuesday column on sex. Contact her at [email protected] and follow her on Twitter at @thezhenger.

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  • Ion~~ White

    ‘penis wielders’ ? Is that lesbian speak for “men”? Apparently this website is from that prestigious communist university – California at Berkeley

    • Oakley

      Sounds logical, but wouldn’t Caitlyn Jenner be a penis wielder? And a woman?
      So hard to follow SJW Boolean logic these days

  • Cam

    Your parents must be mortified.

    • Oakley

      That’s probably why she writes this crap

  • originalone

    Well I must admit this story goes with the allegations being made toward a certain Professor by a certain Psychoanalyst/author here on these pages, insofar that there is another side to the sexual incidents that are a common occurrence in college life.

    • lspanker

      Is shoving things up one’s holes a “common occurrence in college life”? I guess I missed that part, fortunately.

      • originalone

        I suppose what you say depends on which side of the fence you’re on? At least now we know that it goes both ways.

        • lspanker

          Whisky-Tango-Foxtrot

          • originalone

            How does the saying go: “if you have to ask, then it’s too late to educate”.

          • lspanker

            I see you couldn’t answer my question: Is shoving things up one’s holes a “common occurrence in college life”? If so, we have some people out there with serious issues…

          • originalone

            Which was?

          • lspanker

            I have posted the same question twice. Please don’t play dumb, even if it comes naturally to you…

          • SecludedCompoundTTYS

            Here you go:
            Is shoving things up one’s holes a “common occurrence in college life”?
            You’re obviously a child

  • Alexander Richards

    When a “news” article looks like a nude request thread on /b/.

  • Media Trash

    no

  • Cody Cigar

    More cultural vibrancy.

  • Adele Rios

    I love this article, and I enjoy when people normalize sexuality and learning about our own bodies through multiple avenues. Thank you for helping make this a topic you put out there, esp. for the people who’ve done it too but won’t admit it! Even though the people who are angry at this are more likely to comment, I appreciated the article <3

    • BlackConservative

      You want to hear what someone put in their vagina at 11 and 12? People aren’t angry but more confused as to why the Daily Cal would post a pedophile’s article. Sometimes privacy is more important than “normalization” of sexuality.

    • lspanker

      Sounds like you’re cruising for a partner to share your perversions. How about putting this in a Craigslist ad and sparing the rest of us?

  • Nunya Beeswax

    I don’t get the temptation to overshare.

    • SecludedCompoundTTYS

      I don’t get why you want to share about what you did sexually as a child. Super silly.

      • lspanker

        The pathetic creature is desperate for attention.

  • SecludedCompoundTTYS

    So the Daily Cal wants to post pedophile article. You do not need to help us visualize and teach us what you used sexually as a child pre puberty.

    Daily Cal – Do you guys really support having people talk about their sexual behaviors as children? So strange and I know I didn’t need to read it, but man, I did and its gross to hear about what a child/preteen/teenager put in their private parts.

    • lspanker

      Keep in mind that these are the same idiot liberals who one moment are insisting we all must be open about our sexuality and share our experiences with everyone else, then go off on a tirade about sexual harassment the next. Discretion and common sense are apparently foreign concepts to the lefty mindset…

  • lspanker

    Maybe you should shove all your Daily Cal opinion columns while you’re at it. Your poor parents MUST be SO proud of you…

  • Puzzled Panther

    What?

    • California Defender

      Best comment of the year! And your first one!

      The perfect response to every Daily Cal article. If I only had the willpower to keep it that succinct.