Late Thursday evening, the Daily Clog received report that all trees on the Stanford campus were missing. While investigation is still ongoing, much of the evidence points to one hard working man (or animal): Oski.
When interviewed, Oski proudly took responsibility for personally cutting down every single tree on the college-who-must-not-be-named’s campus.
“This isn’t normally a one man job, but I did it entirely by myself,” boasted Oski.
Albeit a confusing act to carry out just days before the Big Game, Oski’s actions seem to be multifaceted.
“Everyone’s going to wake up Friday morning confused and searching for their beloved trees,” predicted Oski, “It’s the closest way of symbolically getting rid of any remnants of their mascot. All I did was borrow the axe, that’ll soon be ours, and chopped down each and every one of their trees.”
Sure enough, our mascot failed to prove us wrong yet again. Friday morning, all Cardinals woke up confused, wandering campus and searching for their already somewhat limited natural campus beauty.
It was soon reported that even Stanford’s campus mascot went missing. Scared to stand out like a sore thumb on campus, the Stanford mascot has been reported missing, having supposedly run away. When campus officials climbed the Stanford Clock Tower to get a better view of the campus, their runaway mascot and any potential suspects, they realized the tactic was fruitless. Their clock tower was simply too short to prove helpful in the search — something officials should have realized given that the Hoover Tower is simply yet another failed rip-off of a UC Berkeley original, Sather Tower.
Missing campus trees and a clearly frightened mascot, Stanford has officially gone into overdrive for the search. While Oski knows exactly what happened to all the campus trees, Stanford officials are still confused as to how all of their trees are missing. Looking for more substantial help, officials have employed the assistance of their football team. It appears unlikely that the Stanford football team will find their trees and mascot before the Big Game.
If the football team doesn’t arrive for the game in time, Stanford will only have its band present on the field. While UC Berkeley will have their Superbowl-performing band, diligent and devoted mascot and of course, beloved football team present at the game, Stanford could very well only have its previously suspended band present.
When asked for any further comments, Oski simply stated, “Us Bears, we’ve got to work really hard, our parents can’t pay off everything like some other people we know. I simply showed up, ready to take one for my team and cut down every single tree with my own two hands.”
The Daily Clog will update this story as more information is received. The Cardinals must stay on their toes if they want any chance of holding onto the axe, for it seems that the axe may easily slip out of their grip and into the well-deserved hands of UC Berkeley. While some of UC Berkeley’s public funds may still be missing and Oski may still be in dire need of a makeover, one thing is certain — when the Bears (including Oski) show up ready to play and work hard for themselves, they get their work done.
Avanti Mehrotra is the assistant blog editor. Contact Avanti Mehrotra at [email protected].