Clog report: Cal football releases new training regimen

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Lianne Frick/File

After another heartbreaking loss to the school across the bay, head football coach Justin Wilcox publicly published a newly modified regimen for the Cal football team. He hopes that these new techniques will help return the Bears to their former glory. The Clog read through the document and compiled this list of some of the highlights.

Landing footballs on the Campanile

To improve on passing prowess, players will spend roughly three hours a day throwing footballs up the Campanile and attempting to land them on the very top. “Our boys need to have precision of marksmen,” said Wilcox, “If you can balance a football on top of the Campanile, you can pass a ball 10 yards.”

Running through Sproul whilst avoiding tablers

According to Wilcox, one major problem with Cal football is that “the boys” hesitate with the ball. “In their panic, they become frozen, losing precious time.” To combat this, Cal’s offense will be running time trials on Sproul Plaza, the goal being to avoid anyone with fliers. The thinking is that this will improve their ability to quickly determine the fastest route to their destination.

Yelling “Go Bears” at random visitors 

The head coach acknowledges that a significant contributor to the team’s lackluster performance this season has been morale. He is requiring that each player meet a daily quota of yelling “Go Bears.” This is meant to build hype around the team. “If our players are enthusiastic off the field, they will enter practice and game day with a more energetic frame of mind” said Wilcox.

Tackling Oski whenever he is in sight

In such desperate times, we all must do our part. At the end of the Big Game, our very own Oski volunteered to “help the team in any way possible.” Henceforth, the beloved mascot will be designated the team’s roaming “tackle target.” Players will tackle Oski anytime they see him, building up their reflexes and hopefully translating into more quarterback sacking during the season.

As this football season draws to a close, we hope that Coach Wilcox’s new strategies will bring Cal back to the top, and if all goes well in a year’s time, that axe will be ours again.  

This is satire. 

Contact Edrick Sabalburo at [email protected].