Clog report: Zombies spotted emerging from Main Stacks

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Isabelle Doerschlag/File

The Daily Clog has just received a report from a terrified student who claimed to see a zombie emerge from Main Stacks at 4 a.m. today. The student claims that they barely made it out with their life, and they spent the entire morning attempting to avoid having their brains eaten out by a student turned “walking dead.” We’ve recently been receiving a number of disturbing reports like this of students witnessing fellow students go into Main Stacks alive and coming out horrifyingly changed.

One sophomore claims to have seen his freshman-year roommate emerge “missing an eyeball and an arm and moaning that he was hungry for brains.” He mentioned finding this strange, because last year, all he saw his roommate eat were “chicken nuggets from Crossroads and personal pizzas from The Den.”

Another student claims to have left her friend in Main Stacks to go sleep in her dorm, only to return to find her friend’s skin falling off and hair falling out. She claims the smell was so awful that if she hadn’t been chased out by her friend trying to kill her, she would’ve run out screaming anyways.

Our Clog investigators report that, in fact, there’s something putrid in the air of Main Stacks that’s creating these disturbing changes in students. Upon visiting the the underground library, the smell of decay and death was overwhelming. Yet students who were busy cramming and having mental breakdowns seemed to take no notice. Their eyes were glazed over and unblinking, which made it hard to differentiate who had become a zombie and who had not.

Screams can be heard from the study rooms and there are suspicious trails of blood all over the floors. Main Stacks has turned into a hellscape, so we’d recommend not going in until the situation has cleared up.

No one’s sure who was the first to turn, but one student reported earlier this week that their friend went into Main Stacks and their last text to their group chat said “I’m dead, CS has finally killed me.” The next time she saw her friend, the friend was covered in cobwebs and shuffling towards VLSB, moaning something about how “finals wait for no one, not even death.”

It’s clear that the pressure and stress of finals have been killing off our students, and the harsh conditions of a UC Berkeley education won’t even allow death to stop its victims from missing a final deadline. Students seem to be coming back as the living dead to turn in their papers and CS projects before 11:59 p.m. and to take their final exams.

As of now, it looks like the possibility of a zombie apocalypse on campus is high, so we have a few suggestions to help our readers prepare. There are many places around campus where you can hide from zombies, such as the isolated Stern Hall and Foothill or the winding halls of Dwinelle. We’d also highly suggest that you stock up on canned foods and water and always travel with a buddy. You’ll have an easier time fending off your undead lab partner if you have help from your live friends.

But have no fear — it’s rumored that scientists have discovered a cure for this “zombie disease.” They report that if students get eight or more hours of sleep, drink at least six cups of water a day, eat a vegetable daily and cut back on their coffee intake, UC Berkeley’s zombie problem can be solved. While no one’s sure that this will actually work, we at the Daily Clog suggest that we all start taking better care of ourselves this dead week to avoid such a terrible fate.

Contact Sunny Sichi at [email protected].