It’s officially December, and we all know what that means. That’s right — time to get your menorahs out. No one’s complaining about eight days of presents, but making sure you exude maximum Hanukkah spirit on all eight days can be really, really stressful. That’s why we at the Clog have a day-by-day, start-to-finish guide on how to effectively celebrate the Festival of Lights, in one-of-a-kind Berserkeley style.
If you’re a true fan, you’ll be feeling like a Maccabee from the moment you wake up. You may feel inclined at first to complain about the fact that Hanukkah falls right in the middle of finals week (if this were Christmas, we’d be on vacation), but smile through the pain and wish your roommates a “happy challah-day!” Prepare them for all the bad jokes you’re going to be making over the next week. They might hate you, but at least Jew can feel good about yourself.
Purchase a box of jelly donuts. Carry them around all day so you can offer your professors a peace offering as a final effort to redeem yourself before bombing all your finals. Show them you’re not here to play by throwing in a few chocolate-filled donuts, too. They’ll appreciate that.
Walk around campus all day listening to your favorite Hanukkah classics. We’d recommend “I have a little dreidel,” and “Hanukkah, oh Hanukkah.” When you run into somebody you know, don’t just take off your headphones to greet them. Unplug from your phone and start blasting your tunes out loud. That way they can share in the holiday fun as well!
Stuff your backpack to the brim with dreidels. This is a surefire way to eliminate awkward pauses forever. When you’re in the middle of a conversation, and you suddenly feel like there’s nothing to say, just whip out your favorite dreidel and give it your best spin! It is likely that everyone in the room will congregate, making this an excellent way to make new friends.
If you haven’t already, you’ll probably be getting on a plane back home, since all finals should’ve ended by now. Worry not — you can still celebrate your favorite holiday 39,000 feet in the air! Just grab a handful of gelt, and walk back and forth across the plane tossing them into every aisle. Don’t be alarmed if you wake a few passengers up. While they may be enraged at first, they’ll let it go as soon as they realize you’ve gifted them with golden chocolate coins (hopefully).
As you spend time with your family, make sure to cook up some zesty latkes in your kitchen. Justify downing these greasy potato pancakes with your admirable loyalty to Judaism.
At this point, if you haven’t been wearing clever Hanukkah sweaters all week, you might as well give up. Wearing your “it’s lit!” sweater with a bunch of candles is a great way to show your friends that you haven’t lost your style this semester and that you’re definitely up to date on the latest lingo.
Give this last night all you’ve got and light all eight candles with purpose. You might be tempted to cry a little, but don’t be too disappointed! Only 357 days left until the next Hanukkah rolls around.
Remember that Hanukkah is only what you make of it, and we hope that as Bears you can all find some meaning in these foolproof holiday guidelines!
Contact Shaked Salem at [email protected].