Clog report: Student hasn’t left Moffitt in days

moffitt_liannefrick_file
Lianne Frick/File

Each year during Dead Week, stakes are high, breakdowns are frequent and tears are many. Unconventional and even borderline unhealthy student behavior is merely expected. Late Thursday evening, however, authorities were thrown for a loop. The Daily Clog received report that an unidentified UC Berkeley student has set up camp for the third day in a row in Moffitt Library.

Nocturnal behavior across UC Berkeley’s 24-hour libraries isn’t an unusual sight. But bystanders became concerned when the student removed a portable griddle from their backpack and began flipping pancakes the morning after their first overnight stay.

“I’m not one to care about what other people are doing. We all get desperate at times,” a student explained. “But on the fifth floor, really? That’s where I draw the line.”

“The worst part is they weren’t even willing to share,” claimed another.

When asked to relocate, the student grew violent. They reached into the front pocket of their backpack, took a pair of tongs in each hand and began to snap them in the faces of their disputers.

“First a griddle, now tongs? I’m just curious to know what other household items they’ve got stashed in there. I’ve never seen anything like it,” explained a staff member.

Under threat of removal from the premises, the student relinquished the griddle and the contents of the backpack to authorities. 

The student had no comment for the Daily Clog but was heard yelling about their pancakes getting left behind in Moffitt for others to eat. The students studying on the fifth floor, however, were so excited to finally have the opportunity to peacefully study that they told the student to be quiet. Finally, peace and quiet had been restored to the fifth floor of Moffitt, notorious for being a little too quiet.

Reports say the student still remains in place, and there’s talk of the student wanting to start cooking in the ASUC Student Union. Investigators are still unclear as to when the student will return home. 

Contact Camryn Frederickson at [email protected].