Mission impossible: escaping terrible holiday parties

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Pixabay/Creative Commons

Tom Cruise can’t help you now. Yeah, that’s right, even he won’t be able to assist you in your strategic exits from the worst holiday parties of the season. It’s happened to all of us. Most of the time, you know as soon as you get the invitation. You let out a prolonged sigh that’s filled with pain that parallels only that of a child who finds coal in their stocking. You have to go. But rather than sitting on the sorrow of having to endure a party full of too much small talk and too little booze, start planning your escape now. Here are some top-notch tips from the Clog to get you out of even the worst holiday get-togethers.

Think of the children!

Although there are some college students who have children, there’s a large percentage here at UC Berkeley who don’t. That, however, doesn’t mean we can’t use children as an excuse: “I have to get back to the kids!” No one is going to question that statement. It doesn’t matter if you’re going back to your own child, a small sibling or even a baby goat (which is technically a kid). If anyone gives you a puzzled look, just shrug your shoulders, wave good night and book it all the way back to your baby.

You have a review session for a final

It doesn’t even matter that school may or may not be over when you are at this holiday party. Just pull out your pretentious UC Berkeley voice and exclaim, “I must get to my review session! I’m already late as it is and no one wins a Pulitzer Prize when tardy.” Boom. Done.

Bring up the presidency

Obviously, it has been a very controversial year with Trump as president. Because of this, though, no one can stop talking about the various decisions he’s been making. This makes for a great cover for your escape. Literally just shout Trump’s name into the void of the holiday party and people will immediately begin discussing. This especially works well when supporters and opposers are in the same room. The conversation will become so heated that you can just melt away and slide right under the door. Thanks Trump.

Be the volunteer

Usually at some parties, there are one or two things that run out. The host may insist that it’s OK or that they can go run out and pick the missing item up, but don’t let them leave. Instead, selflessly volunteer, run out the door and make your way to the closest grocery store. Grab whatever’s needed. When you head back, though, don’t enter the house. We repeat: Do not step back through the doorway. Instead, hand the host the items and scramble to make an excuse. They’ll be so frazzled by the grocery bags and your incoherent sentences that they won’t stop you.

French exit

Ahh, the good old French exit. A classic for a reason, all it requires is for you to bring a gift and hang around the party for 30 minutes. Then, just leave. Slip away into the night like Santa on Christmas. Au revoir!

There you have it folks, the best exit strategies this holiday season. While we hope these come in handy, we at the Clog wish you a happy holiday season filled with joyous parties!

Contact Kirsty Fowler at [email protected]

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