28 things we’d rather listen to than Krystal from ‘The Bachelor’

bachelor_caraghmcerlean_file
Caragh Mcerlean/File

“The Bachelor” Season 22 is in full swing and Arie Luyendyk, this season’s lucky man, has been hit with a slew of lovely women, including Krystal with a K. Krystal is a fitness coach from Missoula, Montana with a clear hold on Arie’s heart and possibly the most annoying voice ever in “Bachelor” history. So, here’s a list of things we’d rather listen to than Krystal’s voice.

  1. The garbage truck outside our rooms at 6:30 in the morning.
  2. BCR proclaiming that the Free Speech Movement is dead.
  3. Every possible pronunciation of “Luyendyk.”
  4. Every past “Bachelor” contestant’s podcast (To name a few: Ben and Ashley I.’s, Dean’s and Becca’s).
  5. My professor telling the class that the average on the midterm was a 48%.
  6. The “hell yeah” man.
  7. My parents asking me how the semester’s going.
  8. Every lecture in Dwinelle 155.
  9. My friend telling me about how becoming a vegan changed her life.
  10. An overconfident fraternity star asking if I want to see the roof.
  11. My professor telling the class that we have a Friday 7-10 p.m. final.
  12. Sarah Palin.
  13. Chris Harrison narrating my life (e.g. “Friends, this is the final cookie tonight”).
  14. Relatives asking what we plan to do when we graduate.
  15. Jessica and Janice in our Monday 8 a.m. telling each other about their WILD weekend.
  16. The sound of Arie kissing every girl in the house.
  17. Nickelback.
  18. One of our parents explaining to us in step-by-step detail how to fix the ice machine.
  19. Paolo from “The Lizzie McGuire Movie” singing “What Dreams Are Made Of.”
  20. *Insert “Bachelor” villain here* telling producers about how they’re not here to make friends.
  21. Shia LaBeouf’s “Just Do It” motivational speech.
  22. Our younger brothers smacking their gum.
  23. Mansplaining of “The Bachelor.”
  24. The Kidz Bop kids reading Charles Darwin’s “On the Origin of Species.”
  25. Every past “Bachelor” contestant telling us about their paid advertising products.
  26. $tanfurd’s fight song.
  27. Pandora and Spotify ads.
  28. Nails on a chalkboard.

We could also just stop watching “The Bachelor.” But do we really have to resort to such drastic measures?  

Contact Alicia Sadowski at [email protected]