A tech review for us technically challenged plebeians

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Maya Kendall/File

Blockchain, bitcoin, drones and something about Amazon. These days it seems as though the news is filled with confusing technology concepts that we know nothing about. All of this hubbub about computer things has got us wondering — what actually is blockchain? How many bitcoins are there? Why does Amazon care about Whole Foods? Luckily, we at the Clog have got your back. We’re here to offer you neither comprehensive nor correct explanations of all of the tech concepts that are swirling around us in this toilet bowl called life.

According to the all-knowing Wikipedia, blockchain is a continuously growing list of records that are linked using cryptography. These records are called “blocks,” and they’re connected by a flexible series of metal links. The whole premise is remarkably similar to the preschoolers that you’ve seen wandering around in a pack as they’re all tethered to a rainbow chain. Basically, imagine that each preschooler is just a single block, and they’re all linked up. Simple enough, right? The tricky part is when one of those preschoolers is holding on to the chain of another blockchain of young children. But more on that never.

The big deal about blockchain is that it’s super secure (see also: cryptography). It’s a better secret keeper than your best friend in third grade who crossed their heart and hoped to die. You can tell blockchain all about that cutie in your discussion or the angst you feel toward your housemates. That information is, unlike our housing for next semester, secure.

Bitcoin is by far the most outlandish concept in today’s tech world. The whole idea was conceived by a Satoshi Nakamoto back in 2014. The idea of cryptocurrency somehow took root and has spread to impact us lowly plebeians. We’re convinced that the idea came about because it was decided that instead of worrying about those dolla dolla bills, it would be easier to make up a whole new form of money. The idea seemed to really work, and we’re thinking of adopting the practice for ourselves. Rather than harping about grades, we’re going to create a “bitgrade” and mine for our 4.0 all on our own. The possibilities are endless.

Lastly, Amazon cares about Whole Foods because Jeff Bezos is thinking about going vegan. Jeff (we’re on a first-name basis) figured it would make more sense just to buy the whole company so he never has to worry about access to kale ever again.

Well, there you have it. We at the Clog hope that, despite the fact that this piece was neither comprehensive nor correct, we’ve answered some of your most pressing questions about technology in this day and age.

Contact Amanda Chung at [email protected].