5 things more reliable than our beloved AirBears Wi-Fi

EPSON MFP image
Lauren Glasby/File
EPSON MFP image

You know how your roommates always promise to take out the trash, and then they don’t? How about the guy at the frat party who swears he’ll text you but never asks for your number? These broken promises probably sound familiar, but they don’t compare to those of our campus Wi-Fi.

We’ve all felt personally victimized by AirBears at one point or another. From causing trouble connecting to our notes on Google Docs during a lecture to prohibiting us from saving our computer science labs, our demonic server hasn’t always been there for us. Whatever your traumatic experience may be, we’re sure we’d all agree that at least the following things are more reliable than AirBears.

Your major remaining the same
Throughout your college career, you’ll probably go through a few identity crises. You’ll start at UC Berkeley thinking that you want to apply to Haas, and then you’ll switch to molecular and cell biology on a pre-med track. After one too many sleepless nights, you’ll come to the realization that architecture is your true calling, and then you’ll somehow end up as an English major. Still, the reliability on this one has AirBears beat.

The exams looking anything like the practice questions
It’s likely that in some of your classes, you’ll feel as though you’re being cheated by your professor’s practice exams. You’ll spend several hours drilling the problem-solving steps into your head and then retake the practice test over and over until you’re sure that nothing could faze you. Then you’ll flip over the paper on exam day, and you’ll cry a little. The test will be nothing like the prep work, yet there’s probably still a better chance that you’ll be able to trust that the next test will look like the practice exams than that you can trust our Wi-Fi.

You getting out of bed at a reasonable time
If you’re anything like the average student, you probably run the same routine through your head every night: “If I start class at 9:30, and it takes me 18 minutes to get to Northside, setting my alarm for 9:12 will guarantee I’ll make it just before lecture begins, once I factor in Berkeley time.” You have to maximize your sleep, right? But if we’re guilty of reciting this statement, we’re probably just as guilty of snoozing our alarm six or seven times before we actually make it out of bed. The idea that we’ll wake up the moment our alarm goes off is pretty ambitious, although it probably won’t disappoint you as many times as AirBears has.

Qualcomm reopening
The nice thing about meal points is that they aren’t limited to dining halls. We have quite a few choices right on campus, including Golden Bear Cafe and Brown’s. In that same category used to be Qualcomm Cafe, which has been undergoing renovations over the past year. Whether or not they ever plan to reopen is a mystery, seeing as they’ve been pushing back their plans to announce a date. Even so — yup, you guessed it — Qualcomm’s grand reopening is absolutely more dependable than our turbulent internet connection.

Winning a Stanford game
There’s no question: Cal is better than $tanfurd. Period. Still, by some weird luck, Stanford has developed a pretty clean streak in winning our rivalry football games. Let’s just say they might have won the past game or two, or eight (but who’s counting?), so the prospect that we’d actually take the victory next year is a little unlikely. But if, by some miracle, AirBears gets fixed, there’s no doubt that we’re going to change the outcome of our next Big Game.

We may not have the healthiest relationship with AirBears, but just as we stand by Evans and long wait times for academic advising appointments, we’ll learn to put up with with our unreliable Wi-Fi.

Contact Shaked Salem at [email protected].