My Valentine this year is none other than UC Berkeley itself. This is the No. 1 public university in the world (no matter what anyone says), and this is the place where intellectual history is made and Nobel laureates abound.
But unfortunately, there are forces out there defiling my great love, this holy land of education — couples. You’ve seen them before — canoodling at Caffe Strada, cuddling on the Campanile Esplanade or just holding hands on the sidewalk in front of you. Whether you’re single, in a relationship or somewhere in between, we can all agree that these are the five most annoying kinds of couples on campus whose behavior is tainting this sacred campus, where intelligence and liberal arts breathe.
5. Couples at a fraternity party
Even the brightest minds need to let loose every once and a while, and for some UC Berkeley students, this means throwing back Vitali on the dance floor at Theta Apple Pie with your freshman floor squad. But right when you and your best friend have finally hit your stride on the dance floor, a couple materializes in the middle of your little circle, grinding like a pestle in a mortar. Couples, save yourself some time and everyone else some discomfort and just go straight to the roof.
4. Couples at the RSF
As if going to the gym weren’t already unpleasant enough, the let’s-get-fit-together couple in the weight room seems to make it their mission to make the whole experience even worse. There you are, trying to do your deadlifts, and Nike Elites Boy and Lululemon Girl are two feet away from you, not-so-subtly grabbing each other’s butts every time they switch off spotting. Don’t even get me started on the couples “stretching each other out.”
3. Couples on Memorial Glade
When hardworking students want to take a break during the middle of a long day of class, the glade is the perfect place to lay out in the sun and catch a quick nap. But it’s hard to rest your mind when there are two people literally on top of each other less than a stone’s throw away, with arms and legs so intertwined that you can’t tell which ones belong to whom. Not even the highest-quality sound-blocking earphones can drown out the sound of smacking lips coming from this bundle of limbs. To these couples, please respect the sanctity of Memorial Glade and kindly keep your hands to yourself.
2. Couples in the library
I get it. The fluorescent lights and purple couches of Moffitt Library simply scream “sexy,” but this is not the place to be snuggling up or engaging in any other display of affection. Even though most people aren’t actually doing work in Moffitt, it’s even harder to maintain the pretense of being productive when the couple at the table next to you is getting all kinds of handsy. Go home to Netflix and chill, and leave the rest of us to Netflix in peace.
1. Couples in class
There is nothing more sinful than disrupting the harmony of the most sacred land of all — the classroom. UC Berkeley students are paying far too much in tuition to go to class and get distracted by a couple snogging in the next row, who clearly stopped paying attention to the lecture about 20th-century economic theory. I know that we UC Berkeley students are all turned on by Marxism, but please just get it on at home with a Course Capture in the background and spare the rest of us.
Contact Hannah Nguyen at [email protected].