Whether you’re watching “The Office” for the first or fourteenth time, we can all agree that the No. 1 public university should’ve made an appearance at least once over the series’ nine seasons. Come on — Oski deserved a cameo. “Golden Bears, beets, ‘Battlestar Gallactica,’ ” anyone? Regardless, if “The Office” characters went to UC Berkeley, their lives would look something like this…
Michael Scott’s Haas business major explains his questionably high-up position in Dunder Mifflin. Like the true Haas snake he is, he’s also part of the jericho! Improv & Sketch Comedy group, even though his application wasn’t accepted. He somehow always finds a way to join the practice sessions. Man, you really gotta figure that out. More surprisingly though, Michael was suspended from all DeCals after an incident with a George Foreman Grill in the Baking DeCal. What was he doing with a grill in a baking DeCal? Beats us. But it hasn’t stopped him from flyering for clubs on Sproul that he’s not even a part of.
When he’s not busy convincing his floormates that he’s Assistant to the RA, you’ll find Dwight participating in the gardening DeCal. To the amazement and anger of the DeCal’s coordinators, he refuses to plant anything other than beets. This, of course, is almost as ridiculous as him studying anything other than Celtic studies. He also tried to form a DeCal class on “Battlestar Galactica,” but the UC Berkeley administration wouldn’t allow it, resulting in Dwight’s one-man protest. (Yes everyone, that was him on Sproul the other day.)
Meet collegiate Jim Halpert, business administration major in Haas. Whether playing on the Cal basketball team or proudly donning Oski’s suit, sports would be Jim’s “thing.” After all, studying isn’t — Moffitt Library is too far from his freshman dorm in Clark Kerr, anyway. That is, until he moved into the PIKE fraternity house sophomore year as a rush chair. Whether slapping the bag or playing DJ, Jim’s not quite ready to settle down, except maybe for Oski.
When she’s not working on her portfolio for her art practice major, Pam Beesley would be found at The Daily Californian headquarters, working on graphics for the website and cartoons. (She’s our favorite at The Daily Cal, but don’t tell our boss.) Lying relatively low, Pam works as a student library assistant at Moffitt when she’s not at the BAMPFA or in office hours.
Andrew “Andy” Bernard
“Go Big Red” spills out of Andy’s mouth as easily as a $tanfurdd diss comes from any UC Berkeley student. But, what if Andy didn’t go to Cornell? He’d definitely pursue a major in theater and performance studies, participating in all of the DeCadence a capella group’s big performances. He tried to rush PIKE to no avail, before landing a spot in AEPi’s fraternity. Be warned: Trash talking Wine Wednesdays to Andy is a no-go. He’ll bring out boxed Franzia to try to convince you otherwise before you know what hit you.
As if Toby could ever be a part of the Golden Bear family. “Also, he’s divorced, so he’s really not a part of his family.” He probably likes Stanfurd too.
There you have it, Bears! Don’t be completely surprised if you catch one of these characters walking by the Campanile tomorrow.
Contact Evelyn Roth at [email protected].