Clog report: Student questions everything while dinner heats in microwave

Amanda Ramirez/Staff

As their microwave began counting down its 1 1/2-minute task of reheating yesterday’s leftovers, a local Berkeley student was reported to have begun overthinking everything in life.

“I felt it begin the instant the microwave started up,” said the student’s roommate, who was briefly conscious of the change in background noise despite being deep in the depths of procrastination. “I knew what was coming when I was asked how long to microwave old food.”

“Also, it’s not procrastination,” the roommate said. “It’s the art form of delayed completion.”

The student spent an excessive amount of time debating how to take the suggestion of “1-2 minutes,” sources said, before finally settling on the exact middle ground of 1 1/2 minutes.

This overthinking quickly spread to food choices, as the student considered the questionably balanced diet they had followed since the the beginning of their college career.

A steady escalation came next, as the student questioned their choice in clothing (these pants with that top, really?), upcoming class deadlines (two midterms and an essay due in the coming week), choice of major (already changed three times), choice in friends (let’s not even go there) and spirituality (oh, all praise Patrick Star!).

A noticeable gloom spread over the immediate area as the student sank past the usual college-student insecurities into deep, dark territories of existentialism, sources said.

“We saw a gray cast settle in the sky,” said the student’s next door neighbor. “There was just this sudden oppressive gloom, and we all just stopped what we were doing and stared about in silence.”

The student’s roommate reportedly continued procrastinating unabated. Experts suggested links between the art form of delayed completion and destructive self-reflection as the cause for the the apparent immunity.

With 15 seconds left on the timer, the student reportedly contemplated the ephemeral nature of life and the shortness of our time here on Earth. Unconfirmed reports say that this was done unironically.

At press time, the student insisted that they weren’t under the influence of any substances, while repeatedly emphasizing that “aren’t we all basically Schrödinger’s cat?”


Life goes on.

Contact Jonathan Lai at [email protected].