Clog report: Midterms causing climate change

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Maya Valluru/File

Whether you’re an Al Gore fan or not, you can’t deny we had some pretty great weather last week. It was great to leave our sweaters at home, but that shouldn’t distract from the fact that it was unseasonably warm for February. Yet this week, there was a sudden change.

Hopefully you were able to enjoy the sunshine while it lasted, because it wasn’t long before the clouds moved in and the temperature dropped. You may find yourself disappointed by this appropriate winter weather, or you may be questioning what sparked the sudden change.

After several days and very long nights of research, we at the Clog have discovered the cause of this abrupt change in weather — midterms.

After decades of exams, research papers and presentations, midterms have finally obtained the power to cause climate change. “How could this happen,” you ask? It’s simple science. The stress on the environment can be traced back to three main causes: professors printing too many exams, students using too much electricity and the internal stress among students causing an increase in flatulence.

As professors began preparing for their joyful hours of torturing students, they printed more exams than ever before at this early stage in the semester. This overuse of paper and power by the printers released extreme amounts of carbon dioxide.

At the same time, students commenced studying, which required them to charge their computers all night as they struggled to finish their papers and study guides on time. The abuse of outlets raised energy bills and the levels of harmful toxins in the air we breathe.

Our oxygen was further polluted as students began to neglect their mental and physical health. Eating healthy was no longer a priority. That, in combination with the high amounts of stress, caused an increase in upset stomachs. Ultimately, this led to increased flatulence, which in turn polluted our somewhat clean air.

Of course, this abuse of energy and resources typically would result in warmer weather. That’s what we thought, too. However, there is a new phenomenon, deemed “Bool Chet,” which occurs in the stratosphere as the Earth begins to overcompensate for warmer weather by forming excessive amounts of clouds in an attempt to block ultraviolet rays and thus cool the earth.

Whether you’re a fan of cloudy weather or you prefer the sun’s warm rays, these are issues that must be addressed. The most plausible course of action is to address the university and demand midterms be banned, as they are obviously harmful to our planet.

It is up to us to ensure that the generations of tomorrow have clean air to breathe and appropriate weather for respective seasons.

Contact Hailey Johnson at [email protected].