BERKELEY, CA — Breaking news: Housemate found to be messy not for the reason the public suspected. The Clog got the inside scoop Monday afternoon.
When asked to comment on the issue, the accused student’s housemate explained, “I just came back from the long weekend. Our apartment floor was entirely covered in clothes, on both sides, too! At least two empty water bottles were haphazardly strewn about the room like confetti. I couldn’t believe that the apartment was already messy again. I was gone for just three days! What an asshole move!”
A frequent visitor agreed, explaining, “Their apartment is always bad; there’s never anywhere to sit. Their housemate is a real asshole.”
But it seemed like there was more to the story. So, the Clog started to investigate.
One Clog investigator uncovered several similar incidents, noting this to be a repeated behavior in the accused housemate. They cited the fact that their housemate never made their bed after the first week of classes as the first account. This was soon followed by the housemate exchanging their laundry hamper for the floor.
A total of 10 reports were found, and among them, the consistency was uncanny. The Clog investigator concluded that the housemate was a Serial Slob.
An expert in sloppiness explained, “As an expert in this field, I can dispel rumors that have been floating around. Contrary to popular belief, Serial Slobs are created from nurture rather than nature, stemming from significant pasts rather than underlying personality afflictions.”
“Usually this means the housemate is unaccustomed to not having family clean up after them anymore. We see a spike in Serial Slobs on college campuses,” the very efficient and qualified expert continued.
In other words, the housemate had a rough go of things, but their mess is definitely not because they’re an asshole. Usually Serial Slobs are messy because they were too neat in the past and would get flak for it.
One teary-eyed Serial Slob spoke out: “I’m messy now because I used to have to excuse the ‘mess’ in my clean room. It was completely unbearable and I just couldn’t do it anymore. Sometimes people would say that I’m ‘too neat,’ and it was hurtful.”
Upon reaching this conclusion, the Clog approached the housemate, but they haven’t provided a statement at this time. The Clog hopes to find more research on this sensitive subject soon. After hearing of these findings, the once-angry roommate told the Clog, “I feel terrible for thinking so badly of them. Having to give up their maid when they came to UC Berkeley must have been so difficult. I can only imagine how hard that must’ve been, and I’ll surely be more supportive in the future.”
Although the investigation is ongoing, the Clog confirms that it all really boils down to the fact that, “They were roommates. Oh, my God, they were roommates.”
Contact Evelyn Roth at [email protected].