The Winter Olympics for the average Berkeley student

coloredited_nishalinaik_olympics
Nishali Naik/Senior Staff

As starred and storied athletes compete at the highest level to break old records and create lasting legacies, we at the vaunted UC Berkeley must also take up the Olympic banner and achieve the amazing. But as always, context matters: we can’t all be world-class athletes. Instead, here are some (somewhat) high intensity sports for the casual college student.

Walking to class

What’s an extreme sport? Well, for the typical college student, just going to class is. In some edge cases, just getting out of bed is already pretty far out there. As the most generalist of the Berkeley Olympic Games, walking to class naturally has the largest pool of strong contenders, from those who have back-to-back classes across campus (Li Ka Shing to Haas in 10 minutes, anyone?) to those who procrastinated just a bit too long before heading out from home, to those who just plain overslept… oops.

Not getting flyered

You’re rushing to the class that totally didn’t start five minutes ago, even accounting for Berkeley time. You care about attendance, learning and are running at top speed, when some unwelcome soul has to waste a precious fraction of a second of your time with “Are you interested in—” Get your quick feet ready to dodge around those eager Pokemon trainers and take out your RBF to scare off the inexperienced. Show us all how avoiding flyers works. The game is on!

Being a flyerer yourself 

We’re at Berkeley, so obviously some of these Berkeley Olympic Games will be emotional. While one prerequisite of competing in this sport is being in an actively advertising organization, this life-sucking endeavor is also just a part of the Berkeley experience to try out being on the other end of the flyering stick — we all need to try being emotionally trashed by the flurry of rejections from the indifferent world. If this level of stress isn’t on par with that of an Olympic sport, we don’t know what is.

Getting flyered

Now, no cheating — no just walking up to the tables and asking for one. Just walk by casually and give off your still-have-life-in-me-because-I’m-a-freshman impression so they catch you with a flyer. And walk by again. And again. Treat it as a competition with your friends and see who can collect the most flyers from the unfortunate souls on shift to table without weirding them out. Run it down Sproul Plaza and do your best to catch ‘em all!

Getting a seat in Moffitt Library

Let’s up the competitive ante. Instead of just you and your friends, it’ll be you against the rest of the student body. Set aside your civilized mannerisms, because you had better be ready to cut people off, scream at them and quite possibly bite someone to get there first. Get up and ready to claim that spot, claim that territory and most importantly, claim your space to study!

Finding some other place to study

Please.

We encourage everyone to compete to become the best in these everyday college situations, or to accomplish our version of the impossible. Go Bears!

Contact Jonathan Lai at [email protected].