Clog report: Main Stacks to become underground nightclub

Joshua Jordan/Senior Staff

After years of successful book circulation, Main Stacks’ long-lived career as a library has come to a close. Students will no longer descend the staircase of Doe’s basement or twist the cranks of metal bookshelves while fearing that they will crush some smitten classmates.

A few weeks ago, an anonymous insider informed the Clog that the location will be converted into an underground nightclub. We held off on telling the student body until more information was gathered. It was difficult to confirm interviews with those involved in the operation, but the Clog has finally procured their assistance in piecing this story together.

The first group to come forward with insider details was the work-study students who spend their time checking IDs and answering stupid questions. Their leader, Claire Keys, told us that they “are tired of scanning library books and sitting in a place with no windows. We would love to see the place transition into something more beneficial to the student body.” She also informed us in a text message that the new club will include all four floors of the former library and offer “tasty cocktails and all night dancing lol can’t w8.”

When asked about the renovations, the head of the Berkeley Board of Executive Leadership and Prestige, or BBELP, had this to say: “We can no longer provide free resources to the students, and it’s time this place starts turning a profit. I’m trying to go to Hawaii next year.” While we’re not quite sure what Hawaii has to do with the BBELP performing its duties, the statement lends an explanation for the library’s swift end.

Needless to say, there may be some backlash from certain computer science majors and pre-med students. We may very well see the first major protests of the semester in coming weeks.

However, there are some positive aspects to the operation. The nightclub, which will keep the same name (Main Stacks), will employ twice as many work-study students. This rise in employment will mean an increase in the number of students offered work-study as a financial aid option. Plus, it will be the first time the university provides on-the-job training, as students will receive real-world skills such as bartending and DJing.

In the words of a senior on campus, “Main Stacks has been a place of darkness and confusion for so long, it only seems right to strip that all away and go wild!”

Contact Hailey Johnson at [email protected].

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