Student seen waiting for stoplight to turn green before crossing

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Jim Xu/Staff

Despite a low volume of passing cars at the intersection of Telegraph and Durant avenues this Tuesday afternoon, with the gaps between each vehicle surpassing five seconds, a local Berkeley student was seen casually waiting at the stoplight instead of blatantly jaywalking as anyone else would.

“I waited behind them for the longest time, thinking maybe there was something life-threatening going on or something,” said campus sophomore Joyce Cheng. “Like, besides the cars.”

Sources say the other pedestrians also waiting at the intersection eventually concluded that the offending student was lost and just crossed the street through the red light like typical Berkeley residents.

Multiple drivers were seen staring as the student waited patiently for the light to turn green.

“There was something inherently disturbing about not being able to blare my horn at some idiots trying to save a few measly seconds of time,” said local Leeroy Jenkins, a veteran at dealing with the dangerously aggressive pedestrians who populate the city of Berkeley. “They must be new.”

“I learned to assert my dominance as a pedestrian by my third day in Berkeley,” Cheng said. “And there’s no way they’re a tourist, right?”

Experts concluded that it was unlikely the student was actually a visitor, as they lacked the obsessive picture-taking endemic to the basic tourist.

The student reportedly continued waiting even as the flow of cars abated, with the nearest incoming vehicle at least half a minute away.

“By then I was seriously considering calling 911,” said Jenkins, who by this point had reportedly pulled over upon realizing the student was still standing there. “There’s following the law and being safe, and then there’s just being plain paranoid.”

Unnamed sources confirm that the student was not on their phone at any point of time while waiting at the stoplight but was instead seen attentively watching the traffic lights the entire time.

At press time, the student was seen finally crossing the street with the pedestrian “WALK” sign after having actually bothered with the “PRESS TO WALK” button.

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Jonathan Lai at [email protected]cal.org.