Alternatives to pinching someone for not wearing green on St. Patrick’s Day

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Crystal Zhong/File

The point of pinching someone on St. Patrick’s Day is to inflict some form of temporary physical woe. However, for students at UC Berkeley, that ritual would be considered outdated and childish, not to mention an invasion of space and privacy. So, here are some new and improved ways in which you could “pinch” a classmate for not wearing green this St. Patrick’s Day.

Remind them of the terrible grade they got on their last midterm

Just when they’ve recovered from the pain that came with that 20 percent, you come along to make sure they wish they never took that class in the first place.

Tell them their lecture time for the 5 p.m. class you have together got changed to 8 a.m.

On top of the worst thing ever — daylight saving time — you decide to prank your friend and tell them that the 5 p.m. you have together (at which attendance is mandatory) is actually rescheduled to 8 a.m. They may never forgive you, but hey, they didn’t wear green.

Tell them that the next midterm in their really hard technical class isn’t going to be curved

You know your classmate is really stressed about this class, but you caught them wearing RED on St. Patrick’s Day. Not only is red the exact opposite of green, but it’s the color of the badlands. You decide to tell them about how the next midterm, known for being notoriously difficult, will not be curved this semester.

Tell them that their latest post on Overheard or UCBMFET wasn’t funny

You have to be good friends with someone to be this savage, but it’ll for sure do the trick. Just lay it down on them, and draw their attention to the 125 like count on that one post they put up. You might have contributed to their fear of being unfunny, but they weren’t putting out good vibes on St. Patrick’s Day.

Fess up and tell them that your psych professor caught them making out in lecture

Your friend was inspired by the Overheard post about a professor warning students about making out, so now you see them attacking someone’s face every so often. You know your professor is jaded and doesn’t really care if students pay attention. So you decide to surprise your friend with the news that your professor finally noticed their shenanigans.

Don’t go to their St. Patrick’s Day party

This is arguably the worst thing you could do. To add to the misery, accept the invite and then ghost your friend. Be careful when executing this, though — you may risk permanently marring a good friendship.

There you have it. Six ways to “pinch” someone you know who didn’t wear green on the momentous holiday that is St. Patrick’s Day. Have fun, but also don’t forget to stay safe, Bears!

Contact Malvika Singhal at [email protected].