Green things you’ll realize you could do without this St. Paddy’s Day

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Yiran Chen/Staff

If you haven’t noticed, we’re well into March now, which means it’s time to start talking brackets and shamrocks.

But if you’re feeling unlucky, you’ve probably come to the conclusion that some things in your life just need to go. In fact, we at the Clog came up with a number of green things that you could surely do without, and we’ve listed them below.

Green books
More like daunting stacks of overwhelmingly anxiety-inducing kale-colored books. You were probably exposed to them for the first time during a 40-minute AP practice exam in high school, and you thought you were way past that stage in your life once you got your first college acceptance letter. But guess again — these books follow you through the rest of your existence. That sad image of your cramping hands and sweaty forehead will stick with you forever, and you’ve probably concluded by now that it’d be more productive to stare at the ceiling for three hours.

Evans
If you have classes in Evans, you’re probably studying something in the field of statistics, economics or math, so you’ve already chosen to sacrifice your happiness. We know Evans takes the heat pretty often, but when you’re as vile, pungent and dingy as that ugly green building, you couldn’t possibly go unnamed. Not to mention that with Evans’ windowless classrooms and hollow corridors, it’s pretty hard to dispute our calculated prison theory.

Microsoft Excel
So we know that this one adds a striking “edge” to any job applicant, but is knowledge of Excel a skill you’ll ever put to use, or does its potency pretty much end at the interview? We’re convinced that it’s nothing more than a tool for employers to facilitate their decision-making process. You could actually draw a pretty close parallel to Chem 1A: Its primary use is to weed out the weak.

A green text message
We’re not trying to be dramatic, but there’s something tragically disappointing about receiving a green text message. It breaks the solidarity that so cohesively bonds iPhone users together, and it quite frankly makes us wonder what deeper issues lie beneath your poor technology choice.

Gradescope
All right, we’ll be the first to admit that some might look at this platform and call it turquoise, but if you squint real hard and turn your head sideways, you’ll notice that it’s actually a fervent seafoam green. Like the miserable messenger in every Greek myth, Gradescope is actually an eternal bearer of bad news. At least we can find comfort in the fact that it’s a constant in our lives, because we’ve yet to view an exam without a consistent series of red Xs.

The Stanford tree
Let’s not forget that Stanford’s mascot is a tree — let that sink in. Is there any practical use to this particular type of tree? Besides maybe supplying us with some oxygen here and there, trees are pretty extraneous, especially the Stanford one. What the world needs instead is an eerie golden bear with a poor taste in wardrobe.

This St. Patrick’s Day, think about the green that’s adding negativity to your life, but don’t forget to count your blessings as well! When in doubt, remember that at least we have no shortage of sweet matcha lattes and mint Milanos.

Contact Shaked Salem at [email protected].