What if the cast of ‘Queer Eye’ went to UC Berkeley?

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Netflix/Courtesy

Whether you’ve just discovered Netflix’s hit show “Queer Eye” yesterday or when it premiered a little more than a month ago, we understand your obsession. There’s nothing quite so wholesome as watching the Fab Five spectacularly enter someone’s life and change it for the better. (And if you haven’t watched it yet, what are you waiting for? I’ll have the tissues ready.)

In any case, if the Fab Five went to UC Berkeley, their experiences might look something like this…

Tan

Whatever fashion mogul Tan France would be studying as an undergrad at UC Berkeley, you know he’d be doing the most as a member of FAST, or Fashion and Student Trends. “This year’s look is something a little fashion forward,” he’ll tell his roommate who’s hoping to score a date with his lab partner. “I don’t want to change your look completely,” he’ll say generously as his roommate looks down at his worn Berkelium hoodie, “but let’s find a way to upgrade it.” With an open button-up and a more form-fitting jacket, Tan’s roommate not only is better prepared for getting a date, but feels better about himself, too.

Jonathan

Honey, you know Jonathan Van Ness would be all over teaching that CalStar Yoga DeCal. When he’s not planning events with the Rally Committee, Jonathan would be working a side job cutting and styling hair at the sororities and fraternities and helping students get ready for events, interviews and commencement, doing the most to make sure you look your best. “Who gave you permission?” Jonathan might ask you once he’s scraped away all of the midterm frizz from your hair. “See, before, you were giving me sad-single-student, but now you’re giving me future CEO of Google realness.”

Bobby

As an architecture major, Bobby Berk is rarely seen without an armload of plans, carried like they were as precious as the Dead Sea scrolls. Cheerful and peppy, Bobby would be the guy to call on if you needed anything done. While he can’t abide mess, anyone knows that if they’re lucky enough to be Bobby’s roommate, their apartment is going to be damn near flawless. “I don’t really know what happened,” Bobby’s roommate confesses. “But when I got back from work I found that he’d rearranged the furniture and made our tiny apartment look twice as big as it actually is…” Bobby’s roommate pauses. “And a lot less depressing, too.”

Karamo

Karamo Brown would find his spot taking the Happiness Advantage DeCal. As a sociology and psychology double-major, Karamo would easily be the student you see going above and beyond as an L&S peer adviser. “But what is it that you’re actually passionate about?” Karamo might ask a premed student who’s hesitant to follow her dreams. “The things of value in our lives take risk,” he’ll tell her, and watch as her eyes brim up with tears. “But you know what?” he’ll ask as he hands her a tissue, “I think you’re ready to take that risk.”

Antoni

Antoni Porowski is in charge of food and wine on “Queer Eye”, and at UC Berkeley he’d find his spot volunteering with the Berkeley Food Institute, teaching Edible Education 101 and finding his place among the avocados and grilled cheeses of the kitchen. “You don’t have to live off of Top Ramen and Monster Energy drinks,” he’ll say for the 17th time that week, gently prying instant noodles from an exhausted STEM major’s hands. “Just because we’re students on a budget doesn’t mean we can’t eat well.” With one look into his deep brown eyes, the weary student can’t help but agree.

Contact Lauren West at [email protected].