6 things we wish were actually April Fool’s jokes

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Crystal Zhong/File

April 1 often comes with a couple of good chuckles and harmless mischief. The classic short-sheeting and “Kick me” Post-it note pranks may be fun, fast ones that we can pull on our roommate, but they aren’t enough. While these jokes are all good and fun, they barely scratch the surface of things that we wish were merely tricks. We at the Clog have a healthy list of real-life truths that we wish were April Fool’s jokes.

Soylent

Anyone who has ever gotten anywhere near micro econ will tell you that efficiency is love, efficiency is life. While that may be true in free markets, it’s certainly not true in day-to-day existence. If you’re genuinely so busy that chewing food presents a serious negative externality in your life, you need to reprioritize your life. The idea of subsisting off of a fully liquid diet for the sake of efficiency is the most absurd thing we’ve heard to date — and we once heard someone say that they always complete every assigned course reading.

Berkeley’s 9.5 percent sales tax

You’re killing us, Smalls.

The classic 51B tandem

Nothing steams our broccoli quite like waiting 30 minutes for the bus, only to find that there are two 51B’s riding in tandem. Why on Earth these buses feel the need to caravan through Berkeley together is beyond us. This isn’t Noah’s Ark; you can separate from your beloved partner. We grew out of the buddy system in second grade, and it’s time for AC Transit to do the same.

Retirement

We sincerely hope that the many decades between us and retirement are a joke. Some people aim to change the world or save the sea turtles. We’re just trying to get to the sweet bliss of retirement.

Our dearly beloved freshman 15

Our relationship with the Crossroads cereal bar presents all of the makings of a scandalous love affair: temptation, lust, forbiddance and weakness. It’s a real shame we, quite literally, can’t keep it (our bellies) in our pants any longer. The bonus weight that we’ve put on since meeting our tempestuous lover has us bursting at the seams.

4th floor of Moffitt Library at any given minute of the day

We don’t know whether to laugh or cry at the fact that there are so many students inside the library on a Friday night. We’ll laugh since it’s April Fool’s Day, but April 2 will have its fair share of tears.

Contact Amanda Chung at [email protected].