The campus has unveiled plans to further cut its academic and administrative expenses in response to unforeseen circumstances that resulted in more budget difficulties.
“This is a very, very critical moment in Berkeley’s history,” Chancellor Carol Christ told the student body in an email sent Friday morning. “We are dealing with a financial crisis, and even the most unpalatable of options must be on the table.”
The UC Berkeley administration intends on cutting $24.7 million in costs by outsourcing almost 40 percent of classes to Stanford, a “prestigious university in its own right,” claimed the Office of the Chief Financial Officer, or OCFO.
Students will have to find their own way to the Stanford campus in order to take those classes, as no provisions were included to support students in the three hour commute.
“We believe this will encourage students with cars to exercise their volunteer spirit,” the OCFO said. “The hourlong drive can be a time of bonding that shall strengthen community relationships.”
The UC Berkeley administration further encouraged students to take advantage of the new circumstances, calling the 13-hour walk or four-hour bike ride a “perfect opportunity to sightsee and explore the wider Bay Area community.”
“Berkeley Time” will be officially extended to 20 minutes to account for the additional travel time, according to a campuswide memo.
“We are not blind to the needs of the students,” Christ said in her email.
The OCFO released the complete breakdown of budget cuts, including the allocation of a further 12 percent of classes to the Clark Kerr Campus so the dorm site could “finally live up to its name as a ‘campus.’ ”
Classes moved in these processes will be chosen through a random lottery, according to Christ’s email.
A note in parentheses suggested that students “should just hope and pray that their classes aren’t chosen.”
“This lottery will, of course, exclude the largest lecture courses, which will instead take place in California Memorial Stadium,” according to the OCFO. “Professors will blare their content through loudspeakers.”
Unconfirmed sources claim that the professors would be encouraged to use dramatic announcer voices during those lectures.
At press time, Christ confided that her brand new fancy fence “beat Dirks’ by a hundredfold.”
This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.
Contact Jonathan Lai at [email protected].