The Clog investigates UC Berkeley: Dream school or worst nightmare?

school_zainabali_file
Zainab Ali/File

It’s a no-brainer that UC Berkeley is a top school that many want to attend. By virtue of its status as one of the most prestigious universities in the world, people of all ages around the world dream of being a Golden Bear. Not a single smile is to be seen on campus, however. The Clog decided to investigate and get to the bottom of how dreamy UC Berkeley actually is.

Clog reporters recently interviewed a former UC Berkeley employee who worked within the programs that helped publicize UC Berkeley for all its glory. To remain anonymous, the source will be called “Ralph.”

When asked about UC Berkeley’s “dream school” reputation, Ralph had no hesitation in addressing its tactics to keep this impression alive. “It’s simple, really; you just need to make it seem like you’re the best, and soon enough, others will believe it too!” When emphasizing the lengths to which UC Berkeley is willing to go, Ralph explained that “waitlist kids are the sole reason why our acceptance rate hasn’t shot up to 20 or 30 percent. We really know how to portray ourselves as the best, even when we’re just average losers.”

While Ralph and our reporters took a stroll around campus, our reporters pointed out one of the many posters that littered campus. Confused about how these students on the posters can genuinely be this happy, Ralph laughed and asked, “Do you actually think the people in the pictures go to UC Berkeley?” To clarify, Ralph further explained that these posters were, indeed, staged. “At first, we tried to pay real students to look like they’re having fun, but even with a salary higher than professors’, it was impossible! The people you see in our posters are students we borrowed from Stanfurd. The best part about it is that they didn’t even want to get paid. They all secretly want to be Golden Bears and took the photos in exchange for a free shirt and a ‘Go Bears!’ poster,” Ralph told the Clog.

One can’t help but ask: Why go to so many lengths to keep UC Berkeley everyone’s dream school? Ralph, again, didn’t hesitate to reveal the true motives of this prestigious school. “Oh, sweetie, it’s all about the money. What’s tuition now? Like $50,000 or something? Tuition basically covers the needs of everyone but our students. Our higher-ups need to find a way to pay for private trainers and gym memberships.”

While sitting down on one of the benches on Sproul Plaza, Clog investigators witnessed multiple students looking extremely overworked and sleep-deprived. Even our own reporters felt that they had made the worst decision to come to this school, so we asked Ralph why students continue to enroll. Ralph enlightened Clog reporters by explaining the root of the problem. “We’ve thrown so much into UC Berkeley’s reputation. Have you gone a day without being reminded about how we’re the No. 1 public university in the world or how we’re the original University of California? Students probably don’t realize it, but we slap this slogan everywhere! We’ve even started to graffiti it in the bathrooms ourselves!”

After interviewing Ralph, Clog investigators scoured UC Berkeley for more concrete evidence of the apparent “propaganda” that UC Berkeley uses to display its “greatness.” With an abundance of evidence recognized in plain sight, Clog investigators came across the most important detail to support their case of Cal’s status as a false dream school. When looking at a recent graduate’s diploma, the true message was loud and clear. Not only was Berkeley misspelled as “Berkly”, but underneath, in the fine print, was the phrase, “It’s a prank, bro 😂.”

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Joyce Cam at [email protected].